Conor Cawley: An Honest Job Listing

Junior Associate Content Slave at MinWage Inc. (Chicago)

At MinWage Inc., we are looking for qualified candidates who have lost the will to live. The ideal candidate will have already given up on searching for a meaningful career in anything that remotely resembles their desired field and will dedicate their entire existence to a company that spells their name wrong on a regular basis in company-wide memos.

 

You’ll work in our downtown office that could not be further away from all means of public transportation and is devoid of parking that costs less than $200 a day. Homeless people, garbage piles and Mediterranean restaurants will fill your nose with a smell that can only be described as oppressively pungent, inside and outside of the office.

 

Perks include benefits that only cover doctors and dentists located in suburbs you’ve never heard of before and that only speak English as a third language. Employees are allowed access to the office kitchen, which is stocked bi-yearly with candy corn, dry pretzels and the brown wafers that come in Chex Mix. Vacation days include February 29th and the day before you need to have open heart surgery.

 

The office has a chill, fun atmosphere with a hint of perpetual fear. You can relax in a break room filled with MinWage Inc. posters reminding you how much work you still have to do. Your coworkers, much like the vending machines, will take up a lot of space without offering any social interaction or entertainment. The only moment of relaxation you will experience will be relieving yourself in the bathroom in between coffee breaks.

Responsibilities:

  • Anticipate the company’s every needs without asking any annoying questions.
  • Keep quiet but contribute on a regular basis.
  • Perform duties that in no way fit in with your skills, your job description or your moral compass.
  • Keep track of every word you’ve ever written without taking up any memory on the company’s server.
  • Help the CEO wipe his ass.
  • Receive criticism on projects you’ve never heard of.
  • Make the company money with little to no incentive.

 

Requirements:

  • Bachelor’s Degree and Master of Science -or- equivalent experience with episodes of Bill Nye the Science Guy.
  • 15 years of experience in at least 16 different positions.
  • Excellent verbal, written, oral and anal communication skills.
  • Ability to meet deadlines that were never given.
  • Heard of the internet.
  • Independent team player that don’t need no man.
  • Proficient in Microsoft Office, HTML, Myspace, Livejournal, Atari, ClipArt, Pokemon Cards, World of Warcraft and all versions of Microsoft Paint.

 

If you are interested in this position, email your résumé, cover letter and a  Facebook status that received zero likes to anyone you want because we aren’t going to respond to you anyway.

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7 Comments

  1. And this is why I do odd jobs with no questions asked for ex-cons, defrocked priests, and paranoid cat ladies, rather than office work. Better pay, better atmosphere, better hours, better work stories.

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