Chicago, IL – Judy Lister has been raising six children since 1995. During that time she has changed at least 22,800 diapers, picked up toys no less than one million times a week, and had to use at least 150 tubes of A&D Ointment to soothe her raw nipples from breastfeeding. Imagine her surprise, when on Christmas morning, after baking 6 different breakfast casseroles ranging from cinnamon pancake to savory sausage, she received a handmade coupon book from her children.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Judy exclaimed before she knew what came out of her mouth. She sat with her 4 sons, 2 daughters, and beaming husband. Holding the construction papered and marker inked pages in her hand, she turned the 2.5 x 4.75” book in her hands, “Does this come with a trip to the Virgin Islands?”
“Oh, Mom, you’re so funny!” laughed Joshua, who had just returned from his $32,000 out-of-state college that required Judy to put a second mortgage on her house, “Take a look! It was Dad’s idea and we thought you’d love it.”
Judy flipped through the book noting that the book was actually not full of discounts as the word coupon would indicate. Rather, it had a list of chores that the kids would do once she redeemed the offers. Things like Clean My Room!, Wash the Cat’s Litter Box – One TIME ONLY!, Let You Have the Remote Control!
The kids gathered around her so they could read the various tasks they were willing to do, not remembering the times she held them in her arms as they cried crushed by their first love or how she swabbed the oozing infections on the back of their necks. Judy wondered if any of them had remembered that she was going to be a chemist before Tina, kid 3, had come along. Judy was going to be somebody before Chase’s vasectomy had failed.
Judy pulled herself up from the couch, staring forward, slowly letting the glistening reindeer gift wrap drop from her lap. According to sources, Judy was last seen walking down the 1600 block of Hoyne, never to be seen again.