New Year’s Eve used to be the worst holiday for me. I bought into the pressure of THE grand adventurous night that was supposed to be the most fun time of my life, full of handsome strangers, and a validating kiss with one of them bringing me into the New Year. Instead, what mostly happened when I chased that dream for several years of my early 20s was hours of vomiting, passing out before 11pm, getting stuck in cabs at midnight trying to make it to the next party, going to parties full of unfriendly strangers, babysitting a friend who got super high, and trying to find illegal drugs in a gay bar. Perhaps I felt cheated as a kid because my law-abiding parents never let us have fireworks in the city.
Luckily, I met my best friend in my mid-20s and she has allowed me to become part of her family. Things started to look up indefinitely for me, my sanity, and my liver (ish). Depending on her mood, we either have a fancy dress-up party or a night of board games in our pajamas. I’ve gotten to see her two girls grow up into intelligent, funny, talented, and beautiful young ladies. I’ve passed out on her couch more times than I can remember and I never feel pressure to kiss anyone out of desperation, but I get a whole slew of people whom I love to hug me and bring me into the New Year.
This year I will focus on the resolve to progress from dissonance to consonance. This year I vow to progress from the inconsistency of the expectations that I have come to believe that I need to make true. Looking back on my childhood, I wasn’t robbed of a “cool” NYE, I was given an extremely unique memory surrounded by my parents who loved me enough to make sure I didn’t blow off half of my fingers. We got bubbly grape juice, sparklers, and a roll of bubble wrap to pop and that was kind of fun. I was taught that a quiet night by the fire in rocking chairs is probably more fulfilling than the rush of desperation to be somewhere “important” or wasted out of my mind. I know that the dream I was chasing didn’t show itself because I forced it down my own throat or convinced myself that this is what I “should” be doing. And maybe that dream was a lie.
I vow to work toward consonance: a harmony among the many components of myself, of my wants, and my needs and of those around me. I vow to seek the truth about my life, my loves, and my accomplishments and believe that I am enough. I vow to take the noise and the feedback and turn it into the low hum of my heart beat and inner rhythm. I’m bringing the lessons of 2014 with me and I’m leaving behind any regrets, sadness, and disingenuous expectations. I welcome 2015 with an active mind and an open heart.