Alright alright. 2014 off the books, 2015 on. I’m sharing all the things I hope to accomplish in the new year, for you to either assist with or steal. Just don’t go using them all in one place.
1) Disassemble Oreos and leave them on dinner napkins around town as street art.
2) Take a dirt bath. You’ve thought about it too, you know.
3) Stop burning my mouth on tea. Really, take it easy. It’s not going to evaporate in the next 20 minutes.
4) Try for a new eyebrow shape, perhaps Cubist?
5) Learn to take off underwear first when too hot.
6) Buy Angela Merkel panties that I saw on Etsy and make them my seat of power.
7) Actually wear underwear more often.
8) Ooh, make more intentional bloopers in conversation, such as fixating on panties!
9) Treat every stranger as though they have a sprig of mistletoe above their head.
10) Sharpen my tongue, soften my belly. Or vice versa.
11) Laugh a little more than cry.
12) Begin again.
Drinkers with Writing Problems 
So many of them have to do with underwear. As they should.