I know plenty of women that can spend every waking minute with their man. They drag their boys shopping, to their mother’s house, and nail appointments. This type of woman is not my friend. This type of woman makes me ashamed to be a woman. This kind of woman deserves a good kick in the rear. I cannot tell you how much I hate asking Susie to lunch only to get this response, “Well, let me see if Joe’s available.” Why? Why is she asking Joe? I didn’t invite Joe. I don’t even like Joe. Joe can stay home and make his own damn sandwich.
Personally, I like a woman who understands that men serve very specific functions in life. Don’t get me wrong, I like men. I’m have nothing against them. I even have one that lives in my house. That being said, I believe there is a place for men and a place for women. I believe the place for a man is under my car, in my yard, or between my legs and the place for a woman is wherever the hell she wants to be.
Ladies, I know you’re asking me, “But, what if I like being with my man?” I’m going to respond by asking you to stop lying. Even if you do like being with your man, you still need some time by yourself. That Calgon commercial was so successful because women need alone time, all women. I know it makes you feel bad that you feel this way, but this is a benefit for you and for him. He doesn’t want you around either. He likes being alone that’s why he bought a house with a “man cave” or joined that fantasy football team that meets in an undisclosed place and time.
Some of you are asking this question, “If I leave him alone, he won’t get things done. He’ll fall into an Xbox coma and won’t even feed himself.” Well, you’re right. Left to their own devices, they will not do anything but stare at a computer screen and play with their nether regions. They need some direction. So, here are 5 Tips to keep your man out of your face and still take care of business:
Plan ahead – Women plan, men don’t, take advantage. When you ask your man on Monday what he’s doing on Saturday, it’s likely he’s gonna say, “HUH?” and that’s when you get to say, “Aren’t you gonna mow the lawn?” When he responds, “I guess….” that’s when you go in for the kill, “Excuse me? I guess? I guess I’ll do your laundry this week. I guess I’ll take the kids on Friday so you can play cards with the boys, I GUESS I’ll go to your Mom’s and take her grocery shopping with her one good eye.” On Saturday, your lawn will be mowed, your house will be painted, and maybe your car will be washed.
Don’t ask him too many questions (aka let him go and be happy you don’t have to look at him) – When your man leaves the house, it’s reasonable to ask where he’s going. Don’t press him too hard. You don’t need to know who he’s gonna be with, how long until he’s gonna be back or why he’s going out. Just say, “OK BYE!” and relish the time you have alone. As a matter of fact, after he’s been out awhile, give him a ring and tell him he should stay out longer. If you’re secure in your relationship, you know he’s not sleeping with anyone or shooting heroin, and why do you care about anything else he’s doing? Then you can go back to binge watching Mob Wives without judgement.
Encourage him to get into a hobby and try to get him to do it as often as possible – Ideally, you want him to be great at things that you can cross off your to-do list, like cooking or doing laundry, “Baby – you know you’re so good at spotting discounts. I use your paycheck for whatever, I don’t even look at the prices. Mmm…hmmmm, you’re so good they should call you the Deal Hunter. Why don’t you take this grocery list and show me what you can do?”
Heed warning: You want to focus him on things that benefit you. If he starts focusing on something like playing darts, all you’re gonna do is watch professional dart magazines pile up on your coffee table and get dragged to an afternoon wasted on Diddle for the Middle competitions, which is not as fun as it sounds. Whereas, if you man learns to color hair, then you gotta good thing going.
Be Honest – Some days, you just need to tell him to leave. I’m not that great at doing this. As a matter of fact, there are many days when the Mister looks at me and says,
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Like you’re about to drive a screwdriver through my head.”
“Oh come on, hun, I’d never do that,” and then I look away wondering how many of my other thoughts he’s read. On days when I’m out of patience and energy to even try to spare his feelings, I simply turn to him and warmly say, “I need you to get out of my face because you’re making me hate you right now.”
In this case, there are no big things to accomplish, no goals to reach. Sometimes, a woman needs to sit quietly, listening to the humming sounds of her HVAC system, and feel the deep regret of letting all her dreams die on the vine.
No blowjob banks and other sexual enticements – So, I’ve recently discovered that there are women in the world who do not like smoking pole. Then, I found out that blowjobs are actually currency in some relationships. Meaning – he does the house chores in exchange for a puffchore. I find it incredibly appalling. Those women are assholes.
DO NOT use sex as a way to get things done around the house. Sex is a wonderful and dirty, dirty wonderfully dirty thing and you should not turn it into a way of gaining favor. As a matter of fact, this is a tool that is best used as is and without any need for trickery. Instead, refer to the previous point.
Now that you’ve learned how to successfully dodge your man, I hope you will take the time to apply these lessons. And remember! Love is trying to prevent yourself from dropping a toaster into your loved one’s bath.