Conor Cawley: The Plight of the Non-Morning Person

(9:30 am) My alarm goes off.

A long time ago, I realized that I could customize the song or sound of my alarms in the morning. Before I discovered this, I would start my day with loud sirens and incoherent DJ chatter coming out of my defunct clock radio. As a non-morning person, the only way to start a morning off worse is with a cold bucket of water and swift punch in the face. I almost entirely blame that clock for my interest in emo music as a freshman in high school.

Since my breakthrough moment, I have used that musically-inspired first moment of the day to prepare myself for whatever happens. Non-morning people will agree, those first waking moments can make all the difference. And whether it was the guitar solo from “Free Bird” or the bridge from “Whole Lotta Love,” I always made sure I started the day off right.

At the present moment, my alarm is the sounds of the forest. Chirping birds and babbling brooks. Yeah, it’s pretty fucking majestic.

I reach over to my phone and it says, “It’s 9:30am. Snooze or Off?”

“Off.”

“Ha, bullshit,” my phone playfully retorts.

My phone knows me better than I know myself. I immediately set another alarm for 15 minutes from then. Let’s be honest, a 9 minute snooze isn’t helping anybody. You  really need a solid 15 to make a difference.

(9:45 am) I blink and it’s already 9:45am. My phone greets me with more majestic birds chirping and brooks babbling, and I begrudgingly agree to actually get out of bed. As a non-morning person, I’ve learned the most effective way to avoid lingering in that warm, comfortable bed is to jump out as fast as humanly possible. The more time you allow your waking brain to process, the harder it will be to make the transition into the cold, unforgiving world.

By the way, if you are wondering why I’m complaining about waking up at 9:45 am, it’s because I’m a night person. Earliness is relative. If someone goes to bed at 5:30 am and wakes up at 10 am, that doesn’t constitute “sleeping in.” Just remember, non-morning people always stay up late.

(9:50 am) I typically shower right after I wake up. There’s something about being Super Soakered in the morning that really gives me the energy I need to take on the day. Come on, if you plan on being “just got out of bed” dirty all day and you aren’t drinking Bloody Marys at the bar across the street, you need to talk to someone.

(10:00am) Breakfast is an elusive meal for the non-morning person. We’d rather use the extra 6 minutes it would take to make something simple to sleep in a little bit longer. While the energy we would glean from something as simple as an apple could literally keep us awake for the better part of the day, that dream I was having right before I woke up was pretty great. I regret nothing.

Still, I’ll grab a Chewy bar if they’re available. I’m not a chef nor do I have time to make eggs. That’s where I shine.

(10:15 am) After hastily assembling all of the belongings I require to be a productive and positive employee at work, I sit in front of the TV for at least 15 minutes before I leave. Non-morning people will attest that being in control of your morning destiny is key. I could wake up at 10 am and still make it to work with time to spare. Having those fleeting moments of entertainment before heading off to the rat race make the morning that much more manageable.

(10:29 am) With time winding down, I look frantically between my phone and the television, receiving no enjoyment from either, as my attention is almost entirely focused on figuring out whether or not I could leave five minutes later if I tried a new route today. As the final countdown ends and I pick up my work possessions, I remember that all of this will be here waiting for me when I get back.

(10:30 am) As I lock my front door behind me, I feel a subtle sense of accomplishment. A brief, almost imperceptible moment of gratification because I, Conor Cawley, had defeated another morning.