Elizabeth Gomez: Things Only Struggling Comedic Writing Partner BFFs in Different Time Zones Would Understand

My writing partner moved to Los Angeles. We still keep in touch and I think he’s the best writer in the whole world, even though no one understands what the hell he is ever talking about, including me. This is about him.

scary Kirk

1. You can waste a good chunk of your morning trying to tweet Juggalo parody songs in hopes that anyone in the world might notice.


2. You can easily fake your success because the other is never around to witness you crying in the bathroom of the local packaged goods bar.


3. Skype is not an effective tool to use when you both have ADD

big eye kirk

4. Anxiety doesn’t disappear because you move away.


5. Anxiety doesn’t disappear because you stay.


6. Anxiety is going to follow you wherever you go, especially when you’re sitting in front of your computer screen looking at the empty white google docs screen that feels like the foreshadowing of your future filled with nothing except a cup and a  worn wool army blanket that you’ve marked with your name that you wrote in poo while sitting in front of a Greyhound station asking strangers for a dime. At the height of your vision, you end up taking way too many of your anti-anxiety pills thinking it will end and then realize that you have built up a tolerance from them so you have to turn to your only solace and text your SCWPBFFIDTZ and say, “Hey, man, if I were homeless, would you make sure I don’t write my name in poo on my wool army blanket?” and she texts back, “Of course I wouldn’t let you do that. We wouldn’t have such nice blankets.”


7. The satisfaction of recording an auto tuned rap song called “Boner! Boner! Boner! Ting!” and sending it to your partner for feedback, but truly not caring because you know it was good.


8. Getting a text from your writing partner’s wife stating that you should stop texting each other because she is trying to enjoy dinner with her husband or vice versa, having your husband yell at you because you keep laughing out loud without telling him why.


9. Feeling smug after conquering your insecurities by telling your partner how great he is and him replying that you’re great and then you telling him that he’s great, then on and on, until you both realize you still have to go to a real life shitty job where no one thinks either of you are great.


10. Rooting for the other one to be successful in every possible way even though you would prefer they lived in the same city so you can spend your Friday nights drinking beer and screaming at strangers at bars.

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