Kirk Novak: Sunday School, Sodom and Gomorrah

To this very day, we continue to hear the tale of Sodom and Gomorrah cited as a historical example of God’s hatred of homosexuality. This is often done by people who may or may not have ever read a Bible, but they sure do have passionate opinions about what they think it means. I truly can understand why people arrive at that same misguided conclusion time and time and time again, but Sodom and Gomorrah is really a cautionary tale about not raping people, which is great moral advice that could use the same fervor of support as getting all grossed out about tea bagging and scissoring.

You see, a couple angels were staying with Abraham at his place out in the country away from all the crime of the city, which is not-so-subtle code for pretty much the same thing it means today. As they were chilling, the angels said unto Abraham, “God listens to the irrational fears of old paunchy white dudes and he’s going to turn Sodom and Gomorrah into a fiery parking lot.”

Abraham then said what a lot of people say in uncomfortable offensive situations of their own making, “Well, not all of them are bad. There’s some good ones too.” He told the angels to go crash with his nephew Lot and his family in Sodom and they’d see that the key to salvation for Sodom and Gomorrah was gentrification, not destruction.

So they did, and then the whole population of Sodom came knocking on Lot’s door and told him to bring those angels on out so they could meet and greet and get to know them better. You think that sounds friendly, but getting to know someone in olden times was generally not accomplished through conversation. That means it was looking like pretty much everyone in these towns were indeed totally awful human beings. Still, Lot thought that the situation was not beyond redemption. He liked some of his neighbors pretty okay and didn’t think that one truly horrible character flaw is worth outright condemnation.

You see, those mean old people in Sodom just wanted to forcibly gangbang a couple male angels in the butthole against their will. Lot came out of the house and said unto them, “Don’t be silly, why don’t you rape my two virgin daughters instead?” He thought it would work because he believed that man butthole was disgusting, but surprisingly the crowd was having none of that offer. They needed to get deep into some celestial man raping that night, and they proceeded to whip themselves into a frenzy over being denied an introduction.

The people of Sodom wanting to rape man anus when there were two perfectly rape-able vaginas in that house sure made our old (he was much younger then) God grumpy. So, he told Lot and his family to get the fuck out and then he destroyed the town and everybody in it with a good old fashioned righteous smiting. To send a message to Abraham, the loving God turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt after she looked back at the chaos as they were leaving because he arbitrarily told her not to do that. God has his reasons. You have to have faith.

Don’t rape.