So very little changes in 20 years. As a puberty-riddled 11 year-old gal back in 1994, I spent an entire summer watching the World Cup, rollerblading, and drafting my zeitgeist manifesto; a fan fiction novella about my tween crush, Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Other major players are my childhood friend named Brad, here represented as Brad, the pairs skating partner to the heroine, Taylor.
At the time, JTT was best known for his seminal work as the middle brother on the sitcom Home Improvement, and also as the voice of the young lion cub Simba in The Lion King. An aspiring Olympic figure skater in the throes of my own changing body, I was quite taken by JTT’s dashing smile, sweet middle part, and husky child-man voice, and in an act of grand catharsis, I sussed my feelings out onto 75 pages of wide-ruled notebook paper.
What follows are the chapter abstracts of Taylor Meets ‘Taylor’ vol. I & II
- 11 year old girl named Taylor with penchant for The Lion King watches The Lion King in her Lion King-themed bedroom and describes her friend’s outfits and lip gloss in outrageous detail.
- Taylor goes to figure skating practice and lands three quadruple Axels without qualm. No one attempts to take out her knees. The Lion King ice show tour is only two weeks away.
- Taylor calls the asshole Brad from her private phone and berates him for getting hair gel on her crushed-velvet dress.
- Brad apologies and inexplicably describes his upbringing. His father was a clown-for-hire and his mother bred rabbits for magicians. He was born in the sunroom at a bar-mitzvah.
- Taylor accepts this and remains supportive. She feels very close to Brad.
- Taylor loans Michelle Kwan her Ace of Base compact disc and quarrels with Elvis Stojko.
- Brad reveals to Taylor at their next pairs practice that he is tired of being treated as man-meat on the ice. He vows to have his revenge in the this life or the next.
- Taylor fires Brad, eats Shock Tarts, and watches the O.J. Simpson white Bronco chase on TV.
- Later, Jonathan Taylor Thomas goes skateboarding in LA and reads aloud from Gone With the Wind. He is reciting the part of Scarlett slapping Prissy during the sacking of Atlanta and hears the opening strains of Hakuna Matata emitting from a nearby ice rink. Interest piqued, he enters and discovers Taylor skating to the soundtrack of The Lion King.
- Taylor happens to be running a solo dress rehearsal and wears a white beaded costume not unlike Nancy Kerrigan’s mad sparkly Olympic long program dress. She passes seamlessly from I Just Can’t Wait To Be King into Can You Feel The Love Tonight, Elton John’s version, and smells like vanilla.
- Jonathan Taylor Thomas is obviously smitten. He has just seen his future bride. He then wonders if he can drive the Zamboni.
- JTT and Taylor shake hands and skate laps. They compare and contrast techniques for doing The Worm. The two arrange a date at the mall the next day.
- Taylor agonizes over her outfit, ultimately deciding in head-to-toe melon. She begins to question whether she is a nihilist.
- They meet at the fountain in the middle of the mall and stroll intimately through the gardens of consumerism. Not one to let a six inch height difference stop him, JTT kisses Taylor on the mouth near the food court Sbarro and wonders how old she is, even? He is 25.