1. “Told U So” – all of the advice that you would give to a friend, repeated back to yourself for any given situation.
2. “Ex-locator” – GPS-enabled device to allow you to know when you might bump into an ex so that you can look your hottest or avoid them altogether.
3. “Asshole mute” – Mute that asshole anytime, anywhere. Most helpful for those situations when someone is using their phone as a boom box on public transportation, loudly talking about highly personal matters, or just being an all-around dick.
4. “Teletransporter” – for those moments when you are too drunk, poor, or lazy to drive, ride your bike, or take public transportation to get yourself home or anywhere else in seconds.
5. “Virtual Gay Best Friend” – helps you with outfits, sassy comebacks, classical movie recommendations, and of course, compliments.
6. “Spirit Finder” – locates hauntings, level of the haunting, and whether the spirit is malevolent or not.
Drinkers with Writing Problems 