Kirk Novak: I will take a bag of $$$ for these innovative app ideas

Not A Heart Attack – If you have a terrifying panic disorder that leads to the mistaken assumption that you are having a heart attack and then you go to the emergency room just to get shrugged at and handed a bottle of benzodiazepine, then this is the app for you! Using an included wristband, this app monitors your heart rate and perspiration then calculates the total sum of your fear™ when you do things such as be in a place. If our proprietary algorithm detects that the Panic Points we assigned to your profile have risen above a customized level you will receive a phone call that gives you the opportunity to extricate yourself from any given situation and listen to a soothing asexual voice assure you that, “You are not having a heart attack.”

iEmpathizer – Are appropriate emotional responses not exactly your strong suit? Download the iEmpathizer Assisted Feeler™ to help you feel the right feelings at the right time. If you find your face inexplicably contorting into an expression of disgust whenever you open a thoughtful gift that you genuinely appreciate and will enjoy for many years to come, let iEmpathizer correct that behavior by displaying a picture of a cuddly puppy holding its leash in its mouth because he wants to go for a walky yes-he-does, and in seconds you will feel that frown turn upside down into a warm appreciative smile that friends and family are often awarded when giving a present to a loved one.

Soundtrackifier – The music that plays in your head during life moments can now provide an audible soundtrack during every experience. Soundtrackifier surreptitiously listens as you go about your day and queues up the right music and plays it at the right time from the full sounding speakers of your smartphone. As you lean in to kiss your date, hoping that tonight is the night you are invited inside, Soundtrackifier slowly builds “Informer” by Snow to an emotional height right until your lips are about to touch and your date recoils in disgust because our design team was unable to program the app to compensate for your terribly dated taste in music and embarrassingly low moral fortitude.

IN WHAT FUCKING AISLE DO THEY PUT XXXXXX IN THIS GODDAMN STORE? – This is the United States of America and the developers of IWFADTPXITGS agree that bags of corn tortillas should be shelved in the “bread” aisle and not in the “ethnic” section. They should establish a “white” section and put all the Wonder bread and Kraft singles in there because there aren’t too many people left that still eat that shit. IWFADTPXITGS will tell you in what fucking aisle they put stuff in this goddamn store so you don’t have to walk between the same two aisles repeatedly before you find it in yet a third unrelated section. That is so infuriating, but no more when you download IN WHAT FUCKING AISLE DO THEY PUT XXXXXX IN THIS GODDAMN STORE for iOS or Android!

A Friend With Weed Is A Friend Indeed – You want to get high, but you’re dry. Download A Friend With Weed Is A Friend Indeed and find someone who is holding and wants to get high with somebody! It might sound sketchy, but people have already proven that they are willing to get in an unlicensed cab with a total stranger for an inexpensive ride to a bar, so we think you’ll be okay getting stoned with some random college kid wearing a shell necklace and a knit stocking cap in the middle of summer.

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