Emily Lund: The Cleanse

For the last three weeks, I have been working in Thomasville, AL.  I will blog about my adventures (or lack thereof) a different time.  However, I spent those three weeks eating fried pickles, fried catfish, fried squash, fried green tomatoes, fried shrimp, and fried water.  I felt it necessary to do something about this “healthy eating.”  One of the other people working with me suggested a cleanse.  It consists of warm water, lemon juice and honey (some fruit if you feel hungry)…and nothing else.  Here’s how it has progressed so far.

Day 1:
6:00 AM: Yum, warm water, lemon juice and honey are pretty much lemonade.  This will be easy.

9:00 AM: Approach co-worker who suggested cleanse.  Ask co-worker what food can be eaten. Learn watermelon is acceptable; feel hunger pang subside at prospect of eating watermelon.

9:04 AM: Buy large watermelon, eat half watermelon (save other half for later).

10:45 AM: Eat other half of watermelon, contemplate suicide.

11:30 AM: Wish water could be cold instead of warm.

1:22 PM:  Discover container of almonds in desk.  Eat almonds in conference room where “cleanse co-worker” can’t see, feel guilty…contemplate crying.

2:30 PM:  Feel gaggy about consistency of honey.

7:00 PM:  Buy another watermelon, eat ¼ watermelon, fall asleep from exhaustion.

Day 2:
6:00 AM: Deeply begin to hate measuring honey with a spoon, discover honey has gotten in hair and on upper thigh.

7:00 AM: Workout with trainer.  Almost fall off treadmill; trainer decreases incline for fear of collapse.  Mention cleanse to trainer.  Buy huge bottle of amino acid supplements at mandate from trainer.  Take 8 amino acid supplements.

10:00 AM: Take 8 amino acid supplements.  Look for additional nuts in office; make mental joke to self about being a squirrel.

11:00 AM:  Integrate citrus reamer into regimen.  Wonder if adding ice will really hinder the process.

11:02 AM:  Wander office floor looking for scraps of food.  Return to office, read notice about cookies in cafeteria to celebrate July birthdays.  Curse all people born in July.

12:04 PM: More amino acid supplements; gag at vitamin smell.  Look longingly at remaining cookies.

2:30 PM: Receive orange from co-worker.  Notice orange is best orange ever tasted or eaten, ever.

7:00 PM:  Despise taste and smell of watermelon, wonder how anyone ever cleansed.  Retire to bed, feel muscle pain. Become convinced lemon water is actually eating away the muscle in body.  Watch Dance Moms on DVR.

8:00 PM:  Feel guilty about watching drivel on TV but briefly forget about cleanse.

10:00 PM: Watch Food Network and fall deep into depression.  Play Candy Crush Saga and wonder what candy tastes like.  Decide it is delicious.

10:45 PM: Dream of dancing fried pickles.

Day 3:
7:00 AM:  Change mind about watermelon. Eat half watermelon.  Spill honey on counter. Cry a little.

10:00 AM: Accept lunch invitation with friend and decide to get the fruit.

11:45 AM:  Determine restaurant only has WATERMELON for fruit.  Order water with lemon and plate of watermelon.  Pay $18.00 for “watermelon salad”.  Wonder how much the most expensive watermelon cost.  Scare the person crossing the street with sound of stomach grumble.

2:30 PM:  Unable to squeeze juice of lemon as strength has diminished extensively.  Ask co-worker to squeeze lemon.  Hear co-worker mention “there are some crazy people that work here.”

4:30 PM: Try to focus on writing blog for Wednesday even though Wednesday is practically over.  Brain can’t process more than choppy sentences.  Throw lemon against glass wall of office.  Glass does not shatter, lemon retracts and hits face.

So, that’s how far I have progressed.  As you can read, things are going swimmingly.  I will let you know how it all turns out next week (if I make it that long).