Kirk Novak: Millennials Are Killing Morning Zoo Radio Programs

The self-aggrandizing cohort known as millennials, an entire generation of butchers of industry, are mercilessly slaughtering another beloved American institution: the “morning zoo” radio program on your local FM station. The graves for the drive time call-in show are being dug with each shovel full of dirt casually tossed over the shoulder of a twentythirtysomething every time they check social media in rush hour traffic. The trending topic is replacing the question of the day, the hotline is turning into the hashtag, a brand ambassador sponsored post is supplanting a jingle in a radio spot.

Driven nearly to extinction are the delightfully witty ripostes from culturally insensitive DJs with names such as Kathy and Chad, AKA “the Mongo in the Morning,” who solicit listeners to call and relate populist anecdotes such as their worst first dates. They are being replaced by PatriotGuy76[American flag emoji] replying “LOCK HER UP,” along with ResistTheyThem[Wave emoji] adding, “Flint still doesn’t have clean water.” These offhand comments always follow after someone randomly tweets about the time a nudist wasn’t up front with the fact that they were a nudist, before taking a date out to dinner at a nudist restaurant.

The distinctive tone of a busy telephone line as listeners constantly press the redial button, trying to be the 16th caller to win $101.10 in KZOO 101.1 Daily Super Summer Fun Cash, is a sound fading into the twilight. Millennials are too engrossed in their smartphones, trying to answer twelve trivia questions about popular culture in the 1990s on HQ to win about $3.11, before being kicked out of the game by the stutter of network lag.

Priceless moments of unhinged hilarity performed by the zoo crew, will soon no longer be punctuated with a two-for-Tuesday back-to-back spin of “Enter Sandman” by Metallica and “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt. Instead, every conceivable circumstance comes soundtracked with a staff curated playlist on Spotify that has been marked for offline play.

Chain restaurants. Department stores. Wine corks. The morning zoo. Gleefully sadistic millennials are driving the final nail in the cross that crucifies the American Dream™. Turn your FM dial to the far right, and tune-in to the banal banter and corny comebacks of the zoo crew on your local radio station while they are still on the air, and you still have the chance to enjoy another piece of endangered Americana, threatened by entitled young-ish people, living with insurmountable student loan debt, unsustainable housing prices, rising food costs, stagnating wages, a shrinking job market, and their parents.

1 Comment

  1. Ahh yes. The murdering masses of millennials. Next up: plastic straws, golf, the fashion industry, every single chain restaurant, all that is good and pure in the world.

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