Recently, attending an incredibly elegant wedding on lake Michigan made me feel a little out of place. Elegance and formality do not inherently make me uncomfortable, I can hold my own with the best of boat-shoe society. The problem was that I have attended so many weddings I kept waiting for one of the usual gaffs, but nothing went wrong. Every moment of this wedding went off without a hitch, and I was left to wonder what anicdote I was going to tell from the wedding over the next week. People don’t care about how gorgeous the center pieces are or how well the DJ captured the mood with each song. People want to hear about the inappropriate comment the priest made about divorce or the bridesmaid who took a digger. People want to hear about that moment when all the air gets sucked out of the room and not even Chef Tony with his Miracle Blade could cut the tension. While I tried to enjoy myself in the moment, I couldn’t help but running through everything that could have gone wrong. So instead of a beautiful poem inspired by watching two wonderful young people beginning their life together in front of the sun setting over lake Michigan, I give you a top ten list of the people you DO NOT want to be at a wedding, lest you be the one talked about the next week.
10. The Forgot His Limit Guy. Always know your limit. At a wedding, you do not want to be the person who drinks way too much and ends up needing to be carried to the bathroom. Here is a simple rule, never put liquid in your body if you aren’t sure you can make it to an appropriate receptacle when that liquid inevitably comes out… in either direction.
9. The “I Don’t Dance” Guy. Yes you do. Everyone dances. Look, you just shook your head in disagreement, that can be a dance move! What you really mean to say is, “I am not comfortable enough in my own skin to handle the fact that other people can see me dancing. I guess I am just a self conscious wuss.” I get it, we all worry about looking stupid, but you showed up to celebrate and dancing is part of the package. Show the lucky couple how much their wedding means to you and squash that little voice that is telling you how stupid everyone thinks you look and realize, no one is thinking about you. They are all thinking about how foolish they look.
8. The “I Own Six Business, But Its Still a Cash Bar” Dad. Sure, if you are on a budget and paying for your own wedding, we all understand you can’t foot the bill for all of your friends and family to get drunk. But if you are the dad, and you are paying for the wedding, and you own more than one car, and you pay dues to a country club, and you have paid for first class plane ticket (not just the airline upgrade I mean actually paid for it), have an open bar you cheap prick.
7. The “I’m Trying to be Hotter Than My Daughter on Her Big Day” Mom. We get it. You used to be hot… and you still kind of are, but this day is about your daughter. For her sake wear something elegant but understated. Trust me if your daughters friends have always wanted to sleep with you, you won’t need to out-dress the bride to make it happen.
6. The “Why Can’t I Find Love” Girl/Guy. Male or female, today is not about you. We get it. You are lonely and this whole day is just a giant kick in the balls and ovaries for you, but just buck up and make it through the night without drawing attention to yourself. See number 10. And don’t worry, I promise you will wake up tomorrow feeling the regular amount of lonely.
5. The “I’m Gonna Bang a Bridesmaid” Guy. Just because you had a broken nose once does not make you Owen Wilson from Wedding Crashers. If the night ends in fornication for you, great. Just do not start your night talking about which bridesmaid you are going to hook up with. You look tacky and just because her boyfriend is not physically standing next to her during the ceremony does not mean he doesn’t exist. Really, you think a woman who looks like that when she puts on a dress showed up to her best friend’s wedding alone? Come on man.
4. The Trying To Sleep with the Waitress Guy. Dude, not only is she way too young for you, but she is at work. Not only is she at work, she is at work on a weekend night watching an entire group of people have an amazing time, while she is not. Give her a break and let her finish her shift in peace and go drinking with the bartender she has a crush on. And by the way, no one on the staff likes the guy who tries to be too friendly with the staff because he “used to work weddings like this too.”
3. The Inappropriate Speech Guy. First see #10, and stay sober enough to remember the speech you wrote. Then take a moment and look the oldest and youngest person there in the eyes and decide if they really need to hear about the rack on that blonde in Bermuda.
2. The Anti-Wedding Joke Groom. Dude you chose to do this, quit making awkward jokes about how marriage is going to ruin your life. Just because you think men are supposed to hate marriage does not mean you should start forcing jokes you heard on Everybody Loves Raymond. If you think marriage is going to be terrible then you suck at making life choices because you just chose to do this. It is ok to be excited about married life, don’t hide behind played out jokes about honey-do lists and a nice little Saturday at Home Depot and maybe Bed Bath and Beyond.
1. The Bridezilla. We get it, this is your big day and you need everything to be perfect. The more important question is; do you get it? Today is the day you officially begin a new life with a new immediate family, your spouse. It is the first day of a marriage, the first of an entire life you have chosen to share fully with another person. What does it say to your spouse when you make the first hours of your marriage all about you and how the chicken was a little dry. How can your spouse be comfortable committing an entire life to you, when your first action in this union was to make it all about yourself. The flower arrangements being slightly off might be the only thing you remember when you look at wedding pictures, but if you are Bridezilla, the only thing he will remember about the wedding is how you turned into a monster and destroyed ten city blocks as you fought Mothra.
And thank you for not attacking me over my use of hetero-normative stereotypes and pronouns. I’m all for Marriage Equality but it is hard to land a joke when you try to include the thousands of gender/sexuality combinations that marry each other.