The common theme of last year was “Fuck 2016,” but let’s be honest, who really would want to. I wouldn’t want to fuck 2016 if my favorite porn star held my dick, slid it between those four numbers, and pushed from behind—I’ll give you a hint who it is, his name rhymes with Jon Reramy. I’m afraid this cursed year would give me some horrible STD, killing me like so many others. But seriously, let’s be grateful last year is over, and that we have a bright future to look towards over the next…four…years. Shit! Well, at least the U.S. hasn’t proven itself to be a racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, Aryan nation. Right?
Why is everyone so quiet in here?
No, seriously though. I’m welcoming 2017 like a French Canadian welcomes a speedo and a free back wax before hitting the beaches of southern Maine in the steamy month of June, when that ocean temp is a balmy 57 degrees. I’m going into this year with all the zeal and optimism citizens of the United States had after Bush declared victory in Iraq on that carrier in 2003, because, you know, the war ended that day. So let us all stand on our war ships and declare victory, because that is the only way we are going to survive; if we persevere in what we believe.
I can’t stress this enough; I’m serious from here on out. Really! Why won’t you believe me? Those first two paragraphs are the only ones oozing with sarcasm. You’re like my mother who can never tell when I’m sarcastic or not. How do you ever know? When I tell you I’m not.
I can’t help myself. I’m an optimist. I don’t need New Year’s resolutions; they’re a crutch. Don’t limit yourself to a few pitiful unwanted rules forced upon yourself. Instead, find your courage and bold nature. Find that inner voice that you’ve suppressed your whole life. Do something courageous. Find a cause and support it. Do it for yourself, but at the same time, let your life be the statement you want to send. Our actions should express our sentiments and bespeak our commitment to our causes.
Happiness is a star you swallow whole. It becomes part of you, deep inside you, and shines bright when you open your mouth. When you stare, your eyes become phosphorescent. When you touch, beams of starlight shoot from your fingertips. Be eccentric! Embrace your idiosyncrasies. Be whimsical. Take a moment to stop and observe the good and the bad, the revolting and the pleasant, the beautiful and the ugly. Our lives are filled with juxtapositions, illustrious contrasts hidden in plain sight, ignored by so many. Sometimes in chaos we find the most beauty. Don’t close your eyes, don’t go underground, be ever present.
So as you plod along this year, worried about the current direction of America, I say Fuck 2017, but not like 2016. Instead give 2017 a slow pleasurable screw. A wet, messy screw, like when you were young and all that mattered were those moments you shared, when everything around you blurred away into an erotic sensation of nothingness. Embrace those moments that allowed you to savor every orgasmic movement as your hips gyrate into those four numbers: 2017.