Elizabeth Gomez: What to Expect When Dating a Woman Who Stabbed Her Last Husband to Death

We don’t get to pick our soulmates. It just happens when the time is right! If you’ve seen enough movies starring any Jennifer (Aniston, Lopez, Love Hewitt, Garner, Lawrence, Jason Leigh), you know that love only happens when you least expect it. Sometimes, it’ll be when you’re planning your wedding and the wedding planner is too Latina to resist! At other times, a woman can lose track of her dog and find her way right into your heart! And every once-in-awhile, you may meet your true love during an emergency trip to the grocery store, where you both reach for the last jar of Velveeta Salsa Con Queso dip, and you later find out she stabbed her last husband to death.

When you find a relationship bonded in the gooey ooziness of a brand name Tex Mex dip, you must take that seriously. There will be some challenges and struggles, but remember that for her, the transition from an eleven-year prison stint to the love of your life is going to take time, patience, and an emergency kit with lots of bandages. In exchange, however, your piercing love will never feel like time served!

1. She’s used to being alone with her own toilet. Be gentle with her when you ask her to close the door while she poops. It’s best not to yell in an authoritative voice because it sends her down a spiral and she may end up rubbing feces all over your wall.
2. She puts up emotional walls and barriers and real ones! Don’t rush her to confide in you immediately. She needs to work things out on her end. After eleven years in the hoosegow, she’s seen some things and you probably don’t want to know any of that. If you notice she’s been taping books to her body under her t-shirt, simply remind her that you love her body just the way it is.
3. She’s incredibly strong She stabbed her husband to death and then put him in the trunk of his Toyota Prius; so, it may be to your advantage to start working out.
4. You’ll wonder if she likes you. She does. She hasn’t been with a man in eleven years and she always liked men until they pissed her off, so make that jailbird sing!
5. She won’t tell you what she likes but, for the love of god, never turn on The Steve Harvey Show. NEVER.

Above all else, be yourself (or not depending on how things are going)!