Elizabeth Gomez: An Open Letter of Men who Insist on Texting Pictures of Their Penis [repost]

Dear Men Who Insist on Texting Pictures of Their Penis:

I’m not judging you, honestly, I am not. Alright, I totally am. You deserve it, frankly. Listen, I’m into sexual fantasies. Really, I am. I love dirty things just as much as the next guy. Threesomes? Hell yeah! Riding crops and bullwhips? What a delightful treat! Bathing in baked beans while you wash my hair with beer? Is there a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon?! I love it all and I applaud you for bravely exploring your sexual freedom.

But, here’s the problem with your fetish: it’s boring. It just is. Have you ever looked at your penis? I mean really looked at it. It’s not that impressive. It’s fleshy, fat, and has those two weird bags hanging from it. It may curve left or right, but if you sent me a picture of a Slim Jim, I’d probably be equally impressed. Maybe if you threw some donuts around it like one of those stacking ring toys for babies or drew angry clown faces on it, I’d be moved to text you back and we could have coffee.

I’m confused about what you think happens when you hit “send”. Do you think we look at that picture of a semi-hard cock and your fat hairy belly and think, “Delicious!”? No, it is not. Let’s take a moment to review what happens once your lady friend receives your message:

OH! LOOK! I have a text

(open text pic, tilts head slightly)

Is that mushroom? Wait? Is that…..

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(open text and forward to all our friends)

Message reads: BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! Can you believe he sent me this?

(post on Tumblr or forward to the New York Times)

So, let’s talk about the risk factor. At least when a person is tied to a bed of nails and spanked with a cat of nine tails, there’s some touching involved. There’s physical pleasure and maybe even an orgasm. Ruin your career and marriage over something exciting like that. A picture? Of your penis? C’mon. That’s as far as your deviance allows you to go? I know you can go further, I know you can. You’re a sick fuck who sends pictures of your average penis to young women (I know it’s average because men who have above average penises like to save that information like a prize at the bottom of a cracker jack box). What I’m telling you is that if you’re going to ruin your reputation, do it with some umph! Put some energy into it! And by golly, let your jizz flow freely!

I know you’re a lovely man with “family values”. I’m sorry that your wife hasn’t given you a blow job since she clawed her way to an engagement ring and a miserably boring life in the ‘burbs. But you must, you must, find another idée fixe. Have you seen the internet? Take my advice: next time the ol’ ball and chain is at Saturday soccer game with the kids – light some candles, turn on your PC, and pull down those pants! Consider sites such as XNXX, RedTube or Pinterest. There are many exciting creative suggestions and it’s a great way to “productively” spend your mornings.

In conclusion, Men Who Insists on Texting Pictures of Their Penis, please stop. Please.weiners

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6 Comments

  1. I post a lot on CL, mainly for work but occasionally looking for a woman. I have had many that complained of the same thing. I, on a dare started writing ads as a woman and would say what I was looking for, all dick picks would not only be deleted but reposted. At the time CL posted their email addresses and many did so from work. So I had a few times I did this and wrote on it via a town newspaper that was basic, why women can’t date. Many of these “men” were married and they are like the hen in foghorn leghorn and just thinks a man. these idiots, like you said out of shape to boot do not even read the first line and their erections make them unable to read and comprehend. An ex of mine got a lot of friends to laugh about it as simply men literally, for the most part, only think with their dick. utter classles morons, mainly out of shape and one step further looking for a FWB while married. I smh.

  2. I have an ex that I chose to remain close with, however I am forced to reconsider that choice every time I receive a surprise dick pic, with no context, or foreplay, or even a simple “hey, wat u doin?” It makes me feel uncomfortable because I don’t want to hurt his feelings – he’s obviously pleased with the way it looks, and I don’t want to make him feel self-conscious or anything like that. But does he really expect that the sight of his plain ol’ dong, just sitting there in unflattering lighting, will rev my engine so hard that I have to call him immediately for some steamy phone sex? I don’t understand what he plans to achieve with these entirely random and uninvited “gifts”. At least send a cheeky comment with the photo, or something!

  3. Haha, thank you for writing this! I still don’t understand why someone would fish out his penis, tilt it in some way, take a pic and send a woman. Because he believes when I see I will want? Really?

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