Conor Cawley: An Honest Apartment Listing

$5,000/month Reasonably Priced Apartment in the Heart of Your Worst Nightmare (1BR/ 0Bath)

Make sure you don’t miss out on this vintage apartment in the center of a city you really thought you were going to love. You’ll be miles from the nearest public transportation system while still being constantly inundated with loud noises and inescapable nightlife chatter. If you love to eat out, there are dozens of restaurants with inedible food, terrible service and shockingly inconsistent hours just a hop, skip and a $5 bus ride away.

This is a diverse neighborhood full of people that will involve you in many impromptu block parties and obscure holiday festivities against your will. You can find a vast array of unique pets and livestock in backyards, front yards and living rooms throughout the community. Wake up with sun thanks to the rooster across the street or lull yourself to sleep with the sound of wilds dogs in the middle of the night. And if you are tired of waiting for the 4th of July to set off your fireworks, enjoy the nightly display of dangerous explosives shot off from the local playground.

You’ll be able to enjoy the original hardwood floors that haven’t been cleaned or buffed in more than a century while you admire the asbestos covered ceiling that looks like rotting cottage cheese. Washers and dryers can be found in the basement of the building and are Canadian-coin operated for that international twist. The back patio is infested with raccoons and bees that have been living in harmony for decades to prevent tenants from ever enjoying the great outdoors.

Water is included in the price of rent but you will have to pay for the electricity of the entire block. Pets are allowed except for dogs, cats, birds, gerbils, hamsters and any reasonably sized, furry animal. Spiders and snakes OK. Garbage disposal and dishwasher are available upon request but have to be shared and transported between ten other units.

If you are interested in this apartment, email your availability, social security number, credit card information and a list of your fears to UnRealEstate420@yahoo.com. The apartment burned down last month but will be open for showings in a week or two.