Man dies in organic famine, refuses to eat GMOS
New Los Angeles 2, California Administrative Region
Area man dies of starvation in crumbling parking lot of a former Trader Joe’s. The parking lot was full of the rusting hulks of Mercedes Benz SUVs and convertible BMW coupes. You could see where people had abandoned their vehicle at the left turn stoplight in the middle of the intersection, instead of waiting to find a parking spot. Even after a couple of apocalyptic events, a Trader Joe’s parking lot is still a waking nightmare.
Decades after the city fell during the Water Wars, Los Angeles was rebuilt during the New New Deal programs of President Kanye West, subsequently destroyed again by an earthquake, and then rebuilt one more time further north after the fall of the United States of America and the rise of the United States of Amazon.com, Genetically Modified Organisms (GMOs) developed by AmazonFresh Agriculture brought to you by the Monsanto Company had turned barren soil from centuries of mismanagement into a land of plenty!
Small sects of people who cling to “traditional beliefs” (if your tradition only goes as far back as a very short period of time) will only eat gluten-free, low glycemic index, natural, organic, fair trade foods, things that no longer exist in the factory farmed utopian society of 3025. All hail Eternal President Jeff Bezos may he one day walk among us again. The Area Man found in the Trader Joe’s parking lot appears to have wandered off the nearby Eden Foods Reservation in search of sustenance. Our source at the Bureau of Ignoramus Affairs tells us the Eden Foods Reservation, as well as other Amazon Protected People’s lands, are currently in the grips of a record organic famine.
Despite GMOs being a tradition that lead to the development of Broccoli, traditionalists refuse to use seeds that have been recommended by Amazon to grow crops in nutrient depleted soil under severe drought conditions. Primitive, deeply-rooted fears that ingesting GMOs will somehow genetically modify the human being eating them has not lead to an increase of prehensile tails or hairy palms as predicted. These unfounded fears have lead to a marked rise in death by starvation, as the leaky discharge from hybrid automobile batteries (only 2 remaining on Amazon.com) left behind after Tesla emerged victorious in the Car Wars has essentially salted the Earth, ensuring nothing formerly USDA certified natural would ever grow there again. These fears lead to the awful tragedy that happened here today. The Area Man will be launched into outer space in an unmarked capsule, because burial grounds aren’t cheap and plentiful these days.
Preventable and sad, but illustrative of the dichotomous, paradoxical era in which we live, where people clinging to outmoded beliefs diminish their human experience in the name of tradition. This would have never happened in the 1980s.
For The New Los Angeles 2 Times, Hasbro Starkist, corporate justice reporter.