Emily Lund: Top 10 Reasons I’m Not Having Children (Now Leave Me Alone)! [repost]

10) A tearing vagina – nope!  I don’t think I need to write any more than that.

9) Pee, poop, and vomit that is not mine – I had a handicapped dog that had to be diapered and lots of bodily fluids seemed to always be in places they weren’t supposed to be, like the wall, the floor, the ceiling, the couch and the dishwasher.  I didn’t do well with that.  Unless you are allowed to use a garden hose on your child like I did with our dog (every day, even in the winter), I think I’ll pass.

8) Lack of sleep – Parents are always telling me how they get no sleep. That scares me to death.  I love sleeping. From what I can tell, babies crying all night isn’t the only reason you’ll get no sleep as a parent. As babies grow up, worry replaces crying.  Also, flu and strep throat, or nightmares prevent good sleep patterns.  Lastly, you might be too poor to buy a decent mattress if you are paying for your kid’s private school.

7) Heroin – Even if you’ve done a decent job of raising your child, there is still the chance he/she’ll turn to heroin, steal all your money, pawn your jewelry and leave bodily fluids in places where he/she shouldn’t (see #9).

6) Selflessness – Basing my observations on mothers and fathers I know (including my own), you have to put your children’s needs before your own…forever.  I’ve seen parents who put their needs first and neglected the needs of their children, a la Intervention, and those children are now hooked on illegal drugs or dancing on a pole.

5) Disney World – Every kid in the history of the world wants to go to Disney World on vacation.  I do not like Disney World; my husband does not like Disney World.  We would be forced to give up our hard earned vacation days and all our money on mouse ears and trips to Disney World.  The whole prospect makes me want to get my tubes tied.

4) Other people’s children – Having your own children is bad enough.  Unless your kids are the type who can’t be exposed to sunlight or go outside, inevitably, they are going to be with other people’s children and force you, as a parent, to be around them too.  Some of those children will be lovely, I’m sure.  Some of those children will be screechy, poopy, destructive, evil spawns of devils.  Having to constantly be exposed to other people’s children is enough to sway me from having my own.

3) Swearing – I don’t want to stop swearing and I’m sure if I had a child he’d be telling the preschool teacher to fuck off daily.  I’d be brought in for questioning and deemed a horrible parent…#2 would ensue.

2) Guilt – No one is perfect and no matter how much you try as a parent, your child may end up with an inexplicable fear of Kleenex or need years of therapy to deal with the overbearing parents she had.  You’ll blame yourself and live with guilt for the rest of your days.  If you did a particularly bad job, your child may remind you daily of the horrible job you did raising her, which will only force you deep into depression until you die.

1) Entitlement in the name of your child – I recently received a grievance from a member of the condo association where I live.  The complaint was about our foster dog barking during the downstairs neighbor’s child’s nap.  Then, the neighbor sent me a text message,  “I don’t want you to have to take him back, but I cannot compromise my child’s nap, so you will have to go ahead and take him back.” If I were a parent, I would probably turn into a total self-entitled mother just like my neighbor.  I don’t want to be that person acting like my seating in restaurants, space on the trains, air in the entryway or silence in a multi-unit building are somehow MINE because I have a child.  I never want to say, “We need to sit HERE so my child can…, We need to stand here on the el so my child and her stroller can…, we need to have silence at 10:00 AM so my child can…”  so I should never have children.

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17 Comments

  1. I feel like this is every thought I’ve had on why I don’t want to have children but haven’t been able to properly organize and list those reasons. This is fantastic. I’m hooked.

    1. Thanks for your comment. They always ask “when” first! When I say never, then it goes into a sales and marketing discussion on WHY I really must have them!

  2. This is great (although I LOVE Disney World). I know a lot of people who I went to school with have had kids already and I’m just like…”HOW?!?!!” It frightens me because all of a sudden, you’re responsible for this person and it’s like, “what if you can barely take care of yourself?” I always have that thought running through the back of my mind, but thankfully, I’m nowhere near about to have kids yet.

    1. Thanks for your comment. Disney World is the happiest place on Earth, but I’ve seen so many children throwing tantrums there, I’m somewhat turned off on the whole thing.

  3. Completely valid points! I’ve seen #10 and it nearly gave me PTSD. #3 is a real burden, too. And there are other points, like these days they indoctrinate the kids at school on the evils of alcohol and tobacco, so the kids nag you if you sit down with a glass of Glenfiddich or light up a well-deserved CAO. Shocking to someone of my generation, who learned to pour two fingers of whiskey for my elders at a young age and used to run to the store to get my dad Chesterfields when he was running low.

    Now here are some trivial reasons why I LIKE having kids:

    -There’s something sad about a childless 50 year old man with a coloring book carefully shading a unicorn with a pink crayon. With kids, you can do it without shame.

    -Helping with homework gives me a chance to learn all that math and history I slept through the first time.

    -No excuses needed to take a nap. You’ve earned it!

    -Nostalgia of reading books and watching shows you used to enjoy (like the old TV “Cat in the Hat”)

    -Kids movies usually have a second subtext movie built in for the parents to watch. For example, “The Incredibles”. Guaranteed the kids are seeing one movie, you are seeing another.

    -The lady has one or two years of big boobs, and doesn’t have to watch what she eats.

    -Built-in excuse for skipping events you don’t want to attend (“I’d love to, but my son’s big game is that night.”)

    -Handwritten birthday cards.

    -You get to learn practical first aid. A lot.

    -April Fools’ Day rocks.

    -You’re somebody’s Superhero (until the teen years, when you’re somebody’s Superzero).

    1. Thanks! I very much appreciate your counterpoint to my list. It gave me pause, but did not change my mind 🙂 I do think 50 year old men coloring unicorns is more than sad!

      1. I wasn’t trying to change your mind at all!! You just provoked a conversation; the sign of a well-written post. And I am now firmly in your camp anyhow, having undergone the little preventative procedure myself after three wives and fourteen kids!

  4. I agree 100%! The next time someone questions my decision to remind childless, I’m going to have them read this. 😀

  5. No.10 is shocking but only because I know it is completely true. I was walking my dog in a park. The grass was a bit muddy and I had no intention of walking on it, so I was standing on the path bit holding the lead. 2 women both with double seated prams were in the distance walking side by side chatting. They were taking up the whole path.

    I was standing on that path. Something had to give.

    I looked up from the pooches shenanigans…our eyes met. Her look said, ‘You! Creature! Me, my progeny and my friend’s progeny need this path…away with you!’

    I planted my feet firmly as she got closer and closer – the arrogant fixed stare from her was to let me know my place and I was meant to scuttle away bowing and doffing my cap at her royal breedness. I stared back. We both stared…

    And then practically with her pram right at my toes she blinked first and realized that just maybe the arrogant sow should stop her conversation for the millisecond it would take her to fall back a little and occupy just half the path and then catch up with her friend. As opposed to demanding everyone in their path eat mud because they have babies.

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