Kirk Novak: Millionaires Forced to Eat Their Own Lawns

Upon entering the third year of a record drought in California, Legislators have increasingly restricted water usage by farmers and smaller municipalities. The very people who need to draw water from the reservoirs to grow crops to bolster America’s food supply, and to give their families to keep them from dying of dehydration. Los Angeles homeowners, unburdened by such egregious government overreach of an individual’s right to access our nation’s plentiful natural resources, freely water their lawns day and night in order to maintain an unnaturally vibrant shade of green in an environment inhospitable to grasses. The blinding 100 degree summer sun pounds down on the floppy hats of hard-working millionaires who have timed their sprinklers to go off during the least efficient part of the day. They had left their floppy hats on their hammocks while they went inside to turn up the air conditioning and get out of this brutal dry heat. Gallons of water evaporating before it ever had the chance to moisten a blade of grass.

“Fear-mongering,” they called it. “It’ll rain,” they said. “Our water usage pales in comparison to agriculture,” they noted. “It’s the middle class and the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge,” they insisted.

The drought is now in its 14th year, with no recorded rainfall in Southern California during the previous six months. Famine grips the city, and millionaires are now forced to eat their own lawns for food as the remaining water supply is allocated solely for their sprinkler systems. Overnight, hundreds of lawn crews have been transformed into agriculturist-waiters, serving the wealthy the latest in noveau grass gastronomy. Thousands of dessicated rich people cluck their tongues as they sip Zoysiagrass tea, peck at Centipedegrass salads, and barely touch entrees of Carpetgrass.

In People magazine, Kim and Kanye compare having to eat haute grass cuisine with the Ethiopian famine of the 80s. The president of Vivid Entertainment waters his lawn with the blood of the poor because he insists it adds iron and imparts an umami flavor to the Carpetgrass he cultivates. Justin Bieber died after eating the AstroTurf that landscaped his front lawn, arrogantly insisting it was a rare edible grass.

This is your future, brought to you by Scotts Grass Seed and Home Depot. Scotts Grass Seed is literally changing your growing experience. Home Depot is now accepting Diner’s Club and serving grass-fed hot dogs. Get them while the animal they make them from still exists.