Kirk Novak: Real Fake Music Critic #3

The Best Music of 2014
by Justin Downes
for Trader Joe’s Fearless Flyer

Are there still music magazines? Is there still music? I have a healthy Oxycontin habit that I have to balance out with Old Grandad and I am collecting a check to write this year’s best-of list for a grocery store circular, so I have a hard time telling.

Anyway, bags of shaved brussel sprouts are on-sale. Try the rosemary biscotti with parmesan topped with Trader Joe’s bruschetta mix at the sample stand.

Thanks for shopping at Trader Joe’s. Here is some music that wasn’t popular to anyone last year because it wasn’t recorded by Taylor Swift.

1. Jimmy Flannelvest – “I’m Not Racist, But…”
2. Snugglebunnies – “Holy Shit, We’re High”
3. Heimdallr – “The Old Gods Aren’t Real Either”
4. Matt Carter – “I Won American Idol”
5. Chiraq Shrapnelface – “Thuggin’ at My Mansion in LA”
6. The Amazing Instrument – “No Idea How to Play These Things: Three Acts of Pretension on One Side of a Limited 7” Available Only on Record Store Day”
7. The Token Hawks – “Live for the First Time Since the 70s with $1500 Tickets from American Express”
8. Sad Beard – “Took a Train to Cry Here”
9. Your Dad’s Bar Band – “Antidepressants Have Been Effective for Me, Featuring the Hit Cover: ‘Witchy Woman’”
10. DJ Aldough Vanproxy – Spin the Champagne Bottle