Kirk Novak: Jim, one of the spiders that lives in my mind.

Two mind spiders were climbing a brainstem late one night.

One massive mind spider said, “Jim, could you stop dancing around on his cerebellum, PLEASE?”

“That’s kind of my thing, Dave,” the other enormous mind spider replied with a hint of sarcasm.

“I don’t know how it’s possible, but this guy seems to be able to drink more once he’s lost all motor control.”

“I’d like to think that I have no small part in that,” Jim the mind spider gushed with pride.

That really irritated the mind spider named Dave.

“Yeah, well, if you don’t knock it off we’re going to be up all night again and I’d like to get some sleep.”

Jim the mind spider didn’t have to search long for an answer.

“Yeah, well, I don’t know how anybody can sleep with Ratchet screaming.”

From somewhere over on the cerebrum a deranged “HATE AND KILL” is heard muttered over and over at varying volumes, dripping thick with saliva and lunacy.

“That dickhead just sits on the temporal lobe all fucking day long talking nonsense,” the mind spider named Dave said dismissively.

“It is causing problems,” Jim the mind spider wistfully observed.

The mind spider named Dave started ticking items off on his eight legs that this guy whose mind they inhabited was always doing to his body because of Ratchet.

“Massive quantities of THC, benzodiazepines, antidepressants, and beta blockers on four legs, then you got exercising until you drop, eating all this healthy tasteless crap, popping thousands of milligrams of vitamin D, and the power of positive thinking on the other four legs-”

Jim the mind spider cut Dave off.

“Nothing shuts Ratchet up, nothing.”

Jim the mind spider got “It’s Raining Men” by the Weather Girls stuck in his head and started dancing extra fast on the cerebellum. “Ah cha cha,” he went. The man whose brain they infested started drinking more drinks. This really pissed off the mind spider named Dave.

“Goddamnit, Jim.”

Jim the mind spider shot back, “I told you, it’s kind of my thing.” Then he said, “Wouldn’t it be fun if this guy opened his mouth and one day me, you, and Ratchet all just came running out shouting ‘SURPRISE’?”

The mind spider named Dave always had to be the no-fun one. “I’ve told you a million times that we can’t do that.”

Jim the mind spider asked, “Why not?”

The mind spider named Dave said what he always said, “People can’t know that there really are spiders living in their minds.”

“HATE AND KILL.”

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