Kirk Novak: A list of things to say instead of “I’m fine” when someone asks “How are you?”

  1. My feet stink real bad.
  2. I feel inconvenienced by having to make small talk with a person who is slightly above a total stranger and my anxiety about our social interaction is causing my palms to sweat profusely.
  3. I’m lonely.
  4. Do you have five bucks I can borrow?
  5. [Stare intensely for several seconds before slowly walking away]
  6. I have some buckshot in my knee from a hunting accident that itches right before it is going to rain and boy is my leg burning like a track star right now!
  7. I’m mourning a celebrity death and I would appreciate my privacy.
  8. I want tickets to see Aerosmith.
  9. I’m so high right now, I can’t even.
  10. I woke up a few minutes early to do that 7 minute workout and then I ate a banana because I wasn’t really feeling hungry yet but now I could go for something more substantial.
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