Emily Lund: Jenny McCarthy Eats a Sandwich

People often ask me if I’m related to Cormac McCarthy.  He’s like an author or something.  I’ve written 10 books…who’s the real author?  Anyway, I am not sure I know Cormac McCarthy personally but I’m sure we are related in some way.  All the McCarthys are related. Melissa McCarthy is my cousin.  She vaccinated her kids though; so we disagree on that point.

So, actually there was this time in my life when I really had to steer away from the sandwiches, because of the gluten.  You know, for Evan?  After I realized that vaccinations didn’t cause his autism, my next logical step was gluten of course. There is gluten-free bread but Evan doesn’t really like that and I’d heard from this guy I used to sleep with who worked in the hospital cafeteria that gluten-free bread causes seizures if eaten incorrectly.  E-cigarettes are totally safe though and that’s why I promote them whenever I can.

Back to sandwiches…I’m pretty sure that when I cut sandwiches out of Evan’s diet, I was able to cure him of his autism.  I’m 100% confident that I cured him.  I’ve read a lot of books on the matter and I’m really good at reading. Since joining The View people have really noticed how smart and informed I am about things.  Barbara Walters immediately noticed the glasses I started wearing and told me how smart I looked.  I am smart, Barbara.  I’ve written books!

Yes, I would love to give more details about eating sandwiches but I’ve done my research and I’m pretty sure that eating sandwiches causes cancer, asthma, erectile dysfunction and anal leakage. Damn you “Big Sandwich”!  One time, Evan got a really bad cold right after eating a sandwich so clearly the sandwich caused that cold.  A child like Evan, who was once autistic and who then was cured by a mother’s love and her drive to keep gluten and sandwiches out of his precious life, cannot afford to have a cold.

If I were to eat a sandwich, I’d rub the peanut butter on my boobs and then the jelly on my face.  Did I mention I used to date Brian Urlacher?  When I was into sandwiches, Brian loved my sandwiches and sex…both I was really good at making.  I’m a dirty birdie but the guys love that about me.  They also love my medical mind.

For more information about the negative impact of sandwiches and how they cause autism and other terrifying things, please read my book “Mother Warriors: A Nation of Parents Healing Autism against All Sandwiches”.  When searching for my books, please don’t confuse them with some book called “The Road”.

 

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