Dear Dennis Rodman, Jenny McCarthy, Tom Cruise, Ted Nugent, and the like:
I implore you to do your jobs. Sing songs, pose nude, play sports, and entertain us with your magical and mystical ways. We love you for your boobs, tattoos, cat scratch fevers and dramatic movie montages. You have been recognized in many arenas and graced covers of magazines. We want to be around you and we feel cool watching you because you are cool. You have fame, looks, money, talent, and an endearing amount of crazy. You’re touched; you’re special.
You truly are amazing at your specific talent, but that does mean not you understand other things outside of your tiny, special, world. You should never ever use your fame to talk about things other than shoes, clothes, movies, TV shows, sports, music or your hair. Moving forward, I beg you to follow these below rules, FOREVER!
1) Do not speak about anything medical – You are not a doctor, a scientist, a pharmacist, a nurse, a nurse’s aide, an eye doctor, or even possibly literate enough to read a medical publication.
2) Do not speak about anything political – You didn’t go to law school, you generally don’t think rules or laws pertain to you. You have not recently interacted with the middle or lower class. You don’t know what problems the country or the world are facing and you can’t spell “presidential candidate”.
3) Do not talk about religion – Yes, you prayed to God every day that you would one day be successful. That does not make you religious or understand anything about religion. Just because you pay lots of money to get to the top of your alien religion pyramid, does not mean anyone else on the planet wants to hear about it. We do not care what new found religion has saved you from your cocaine habit or your 5th divorce. Please, do not bring it up and do not try to recruit us!
4) Do not talk about other countries even if you think you’ve been there – To quote the very special Britney Spears, “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.” Being so self-centered has prevented you from learning anything about other lands and that is exactly why you should never comment on any country, even the USA.
5) Do not talk about anything scientific or science related – No, scientology and Christian science are in fact, not scientific in any way. To quote non-scientist Cameron Diaz, “I’ve been noticing gravity since I was very young.” I can honestly say, I don’t want celebrities assigned to solving global warming or curing cancer or speaking about Newton’s Law.
Now, you could say that I myself have written about things I know nothing about, but 10 people read my blog, no one sees me on the TV and 45% of the population doesn’t believe something just because Emily Lund said it. You are doing a disservice to the world thinking that your talents lie somewhere that requires you to speak or act on something you know nothing about. If you must do something outside your comfort zone, then I support you moving to North Korea permanently.