Kirk Novak: Real Fake Music Critic #2

The Best Music of 2013
by Justin Downes
for Hit Parader

I met the deadline with my publisher for the best-of list this year, but I am beginning to wonder why I bother. More of the same uninspired tripe that has been recorded again and again since Cobain shotgunned his brains and shocked a generation out of apathy and into consumerism.

The real death knell for rock and roll wasn’t that plane crash that Don McLean should’ve written a much more genre appropriate and far shorter song about (I mean, you have to flip the fucking 45 OVER to continue listening to the song on the other side! Talk about 70s bloat and irrelevancy, my fellow drug-addled readers, the people who come up with that shit are the ENEMY), it was when Candlebox put mattresses behind their amps to soften the blow when they “destroyed” their equipment.

What year is it? Anyway, fuck those guys.

Here are a bunch of records that were okay that you haven’t heard for the calendar year of 2013. Go listen to a Bublé record, or get angry at a barista for putting whole milk in your half caff or something.

  1. Timothy Aioli – Super Luvvv Tuxedo Retro Future Sounds
  2. Oink Oink – Like a Pig in Shitucky
  3. Crooked D – Faded at Brunch and Living with Mom
  4. James Beard Musky – I do not understand most things and I am generally melancholy all of the time
  5. Factory Reconditioned – Live at the Apple Store
  6. Arc de Menage o Triumph – This time the 90s
  7. Prescription Jugs – Old Time Mountain Music Made in Chicago
  8. Windowless Van – That Hurts Real Bad (remastered in Quadrophonic sound)
  9. Vulva – White Men Together Today
  10. Emo Phillips Screwdriver split 7” with Pace Freely

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