Elizabeth Gomez: Notice to All LOL Offenders

Dear Sir or Ma’am:

This letter serves as notice that you are being placed on LOL restriction because you have been deemed an LOL Offender. You write LOL after every text; sometimes you even start the text with LOL. You include it in every single Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram post or caption:

It’s me and my dog….lol

Barbados…lol

lol….Went and got a haircut

Dad had heart surgery today – LOL – I hope he’s ok! LOL

Most offensive of all, you occasionally extend LOL to Lololol. COME ON! You can only laugh out loud, but you cannot laugh out loud out loud out loud. It just ain’t right and you know it.

Can we take a moment to reflect on why you need to LOL in EVERY email, post, and caption? Are you actually laughing out loud with every single text I send you including, “Can you pick up ketchup on your way over?” You respond with, “Lol, sure!” That’s not funny; that’s an extra thing you don’t want to do. Maybe an emoticon would be more useful in this situation, “Sure :-|”.

I think you LOL so much because you’re afraid I’ll take something personally since there’s no way to detect tone over text. Fair enough, but we’ve been friends for years. I think I’ve come to understand the nuances in your speech and writing. You don’t have to LOL after playfully calling me a bitch. I get it. When I called you a whore’s cunt, I didn’t feel the need to LOL because I assume after 10 years of friendship, you must know that I don’t truly feel this way. And who, since 44 BC, uses “whore’s cunt” as an insult? I think, even without the LOL, we are able to chalk this up to my sick sense of humor.

Sometimes I think LOL’s make things worse by giving me a feeling that you’re being snide. You use it so much I can’t tell when it’s authentic or if you’re throwing shade. Like the other day, when you said,”Your boyfriend is awesome, LOL.” Oh, and by the way, fuck you.

There are appropriate and inappropriate uses of LOL. If I tell you a joke – appropriate. If I tell you I tell you my grandma died – inappropriate. Conversely, if I tell you that I found out that I have cheesewasher’s lung, I’ll give you an LOL pass because if it were you, I would definitely LOL! Who gets cheesewasher’s lung anymore?

LOL is also appropriate if you’re a I haz cat meme or giggling Japanese schoolgirl or even my grandmother who doesn’t know how to text. P.S. She’s dead, so if I received an LOL message from her, I’d be mighty impressed.

To the point, you are restricted to exactly 1 LOL a week and 2 floating LOL’s a month. This restriction is limited to all versions of LOL such as ROFL or LMAO and I’m adding YOLO to the mix because I can. What this does is give you the opportunity to spread your wings of creativity and use other phrases to indicate laughter, such as “HA!” or “You crack me up!” or “You got me right in the ribs. I truly enjoy your sense of comedic timing.”

I think you’ll find that this restriction will make you a sagacious distributor of LOL’s. Which in turn, will keep me from ripping off your face. I hope that you know I say this with the utmost love and respect. And by all means, if you also know someone who is equally as offensive, please feel free to print this letter and present it to said LOL Offender.

Most sincerely,

Elizabeth Gomez

lol

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