Kirk Novak: Macro Beer Advocate, Volume One

Welcome loyal readers to the first volume of Macro Beer Advocate! We break down those mass produced beers you can find anywhere so you can focus on making the really hard choices at chain restaurants and strip mall “burrito” storefronts! Do not waste time deciding what beer to drink when you need to choose whether or not to add ranch dressing to your buffalo fried rice entree at Friday’s, or internally debate if you can really stomach the new teriyaki chipotle pork leavings kale wrap at Qdoba.

Bud Light: This slight bodied lager has the color of brass that has never been polished, and has been left out in rainstorms for a decade. The nose imparts spidery veins of light behind your eyelids, which you have closed anticipating a brutal migraine. A crisp, watery mouthfeel evokes notes of flakey rust, cigarette tar, and mirror trees, before a screaming finish of Axe body spray and BO that hits right as you vomit and pass out in your backwards baseball hat and flip flops.

Tecate: This translucent lager has the same dull tones apparent in other beers of this style, as if the sweat from workers in vanishing blue collar industries was strained through a gym sock into a bowl of unsweetened cereal. A complex nose has notes of unwashed hair and bicycle grease, with a hint of pretentiousness from white people who insist you order a chelada. A mealy mouthfeel of boredom and regret, with a finish of leaving to go hang out somewhere else because this place is packed with jerks.

Peroni: This pale lager looks like it was brewed in a country where they drink really good wine. The nose evokes plates of overcooked noodles and canned red sauce, as this is what you drink when you eat at the Pasta House because there is nothing else on tap or in bottles. A mouthfeel with the consistency of unfiltered potable water, and a finish like a Saturday night where you find yourself watching the movie RV with Robin Williams on the couch while your parents fall asleep in their chairs.

Enjoy! And until next time, keep on pounding those low ABV American style lagers!