Emily Lund: Top 10 Reasons I’m Not Having Children (Now Leave Me Alone)!

10) A tearing vagina – nope!  I don’t think I need to write any more than that.

9) Pee, poop, and vomit that is not mine – I had a handicapped dog that had to be diapered and lots of bodily fluids seemed to always be in places they weren’t supposed to be, like the wall, the floor, the ceiling, the couch and the dishwasher.  I didn’t do well with that.  Unless you are allowed to use a garden hose on your child like I did with our dog (every day, even in the winter), I think I’ll pass.

8) Lack of sleep – Parents are always telling me how they get no sleep. That scares me to death.  I love sleeping. From what I can tell, babies crying all night isn’t the only reason you’ll get no sleep as a parent. As babies grow up, worry replaces crying.  Also, flu and strep throat, or nightmares prevent good sleep patterns.  Lastly, you might be too poor to buy a decent mattress if you are paying for your kid’s private school.

7) Heroin – Even if you’ve done a decent job of raising your child, there is still the chance he/she’ll turn to heroin, steal all your money, pawn your jewelry and leave bodily fluids in places where he/she shouldn’t (see #9).

6) Selflessness – Basing my observations on mothers and fathers I know (including my own), you have to put your children’s needs before your own…forever.  I’ve seen parents who put their needs first and neglected the needs of their children, a la Intervention, and those children are now hooked on illegal drugs or dancing on a pole.

5) Disney World – Every kid in the history of the world wants to go to Disney World on vacation.  I do not like Disney World; my husband does not like Disney World.  We would be forced to give up our hard earned vacation days and all our money on mouse ears and trips to Disney World.  The whole prospect makes me want to get my tubes tied.

4) Other people’s children – Having your own children is bad enough.  Unless your kids are the type who can’t be exposed to sunlight or go outside, inevitably, they are going to be with other people’s children and force you, as a parent, to be around them too.  Some of those children will be lovely, I’m sure.  Some of those children will be screechy, poopy, destructive, evil spawns of devils.  Having to constantly be exposed to other people’s children is enough to sway me from having my own.

3) Swearing – I don’t want to stop swearing and I’m sure if I had a child he’d be telling the preschool teacher to fuck off daily.  I’d be brought in for questioning and deemed a horrible parent…#2 would ensue.

2) Guilt – No one is perfect and no matter how much you try as a parent, your child may end up with an inexplicable fear of Kleenex or need years of therapy to deal with the overbearing parents she had.  You’ll blame yourself and live with guilt for the rest of your days.  If you did a particularly bad job, your child may remind you daily of the horrible job you did raising her, which will only force you deep into depression until you die.

1) Entitlement in the name of your child – I recently received a grievance from a member of the condo association where I live.  The complaint was about our foster dog barking during the downstairs neighbor’s child’s nap.  Then, the neighbor sent me a text message,  “I don’t want you to have to take him back, but I cannot compromise my child’s nap, so you will have to go ahead and take him back.” If I were a parent, I would probably turn into a total self-entitled mother just like my neighbor.  I don’t want to be that person acting like my seating in restaurants, space on the trains, air in the entryway or silence in a multi-unit building are somehow MINE because I have a child.  I never want to say, “We need to sit HERE so my child can…, We need to stand here on the el so my child and her stroller can…, we need to have silence at 10:00 AM so my child can…”  so I should never have children.

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9 Comments

  1. Thank you for this. Now I can send it to nosy coworkers, doctors, cabbies and everyone else who has ever asked me why I don’t have kids. I’d add no. 11: Sports. You’d have to drag me kicking and screaming, or heavily sedate me, or trick me by telling me you were taking me to a bar and then restrain me once we arrived, in order to make me sit through a child’s sporting event, whether it be softball, soccer, volleyball, badminton, etc. Kill me now.

    1. “Extra Curricular Activities” was originally on the list. I replaced it with “guilt”. I’m pretty sure I have enough reasons for a part 2, so you will most likely see your #11 at some point in the future. Thanks for the comment.

  2. You forgot “fear of having ugly kids” – like the one pictured above. I always wonder if parents know that their kids are ugly and just say that they think they are cute anyway. BTW I am on #4365

  3. Omg Kristen! That’s the funniest damn thing I’ve heard in a Long time!!! Oh & I just have to add #3 is my favorite!!! LMAO!

  4. 5 reasons I’m glad I had kids
    Look, anybody who says having kids is great all of the time is full of shit. I typically find I’m glad I did about 75% of the time. That’s solidly passing.
    1. Deep, crazy, love. It really is something worth experiencing. If you haven’t had kids, you have not experienced it. not your parents, your dog/cat (pets are stupid, at least kids take care of their own shit after a few years, not pets). Your soulmate. Please! trust me, right now they are thinking about screwing someone else. I would murder for my kids without hesitation.

    2. Heroin…and three day long benders when you should be at work, and days in your pajamas drowning in self pity. Kids help you keep your shit together. You remember that someone you love is counting on you to be there and make them a sandwich.

    3. The pride that comes from their success. When you’re kid does really well at something, be it school, or sports, or being a solid friend, you can bet your ass you had something to do with that.

    4. Sharing. You hear that, that’s roots rock! Quintessential American music. What painting did you like best at the Art Institute? Come here, let me show you how to change the oil in the car.

    5. The closeness it brings between my wife and I as we share this craziness together.

  5. Don’t forget being dragged to horrible children’s movies! I had an oops and guess what? His grandparents will be taking him to see shit like Happy Feet.

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