Emily Lund: Top 10 Reasons I’m Not Having Children (Now Leave Me Alone)!

10) A tearing vagina – nope!  I don’t think I need to write any more than that.

9) Pee, poop, and vomit that is not mine – I had a handicapped dog that had to be diapered and lots of bodily fluids seemed to always be in places they weren’t supposed to be, like the wall, the floor, the ceiling, the couch and the dishwasher.  I didn’t do well with that.  Unless you are allowed to use a garden hose on your child like I did with our dog (every day, even in the winter), I think I’ll pass.

8) Lack of sleep – Parents are always telling me how they get no sleep. That scares me to death.  I love sleeping. From what I can tell, babies crying all night isn’t the only reason you’ll get no sleep as a parent. As babies grow up, worry replaces crying.  Also, flu and strep throat, or nightmares prevent good sleep patterns.  Lastly, you might be too poor to buy a decent mattress if you are paying for your kid’s private school.

7) Heroin – Even if you’ve done a decent job of raising your child, there is still the chance he/she’ll turn to heroin, steal all your money, pawn your jewelry and leave bodily fluids in places where he/she shouldn’t (see #9).

6) Selflessness – Basing my observations on mothers and fathers I know (including my own), you have to put your children’s needs before your own…forever.  I’ve seen parents who put their needs first and neglected the needs of their children, a la Intervention, and those children are now hooked on illegal drugs or dancing on a pole.

5) Disney World – Every kid in the history of the world wants to go to Disney World on vacation.  I do not like Disney World; my husband does not like Disney World.  We would be forced to give up our hard earned vacation days and all our money on mouse ears and trips to Disney World.  The whole prospect makes me want to get my tubes tied.

4) Other people’s children – Having your own children is bad enough.  Unless your kids are the type who can’t be exposed to sunlight or go outside, inevitably, they are going to be with other people’s children and force you, as a parent, to be around them too.  Some of those children will be lovely, I’m sure.  Some of those children will be screechy, poopy, destructive, evil spawns of devils.  Having to constantly be exposed to other people’s children is enough to sway me from having my own.

3) Swearing – I don’t want to stop swearing and I’m sure if I had a child he’d be telling the preschool teacher to fuck off daily.  I’d be brought in for questioning and deemed a horrible parent…#2 would ensue.

2) Guilt – No one is perfect and no matter how much you try as a parent, your child may end up with an inexplicable fear of Kleenex or need years of therapy to deal with the overbearing parents she had.  You’ll blame yourself and live with guilt for the rest of your days.  If you did a particularly bad job, your child may remind you daily of the horrible job you did raising her, which will only force you deep into depression until you die.

1) Entitlement in the name of your child – I recently received a grievance from a member of the condo association where I live.  The complaint was about our foster dog barking during the downstairs neighbor’s child’s nap.  Then, the neighbor sent me a text message,  “I don’t want you to have to take him back, but I cannot compromise my child’s nap, so you will have to go ahead and take him back.” If I were a parent, I would probably turn into a total self-entitled mother just like my neighbor.  I don’t want to be that person acting like my seating in restaurants, space on the trains, air in the entryway or silence in a multi-unit building are somehow MINE because I have a child.  I never want to say, “We need to sit HERE so my child can…, We need to stand here on the el so my child and her stroller can…, we need to have silence at 10:00 AM so my child can…”  so I should never have children.