1) Schedule a minor but significant enough surgery a few weeks prior to your wedding date. This allows for the true inability to do anything (especially wedding planning). Your friends will feel sorry for you and actually do your planning for you. They will bring you food and wine and your fiancé will clean your house all whilst you sit on the couch and don’t plan your wedding.
2) Attend a technical conference in Vegas the week before your wedding and force your fiancé to go with you. Accidentally, on purpose get married via a drive through chapel or Elvis. No fuss, no muss, NO PLANNING
3) Join a creative writing circle, a book club, a crafting club (you don’t craft) and any other week night extra curricular activity you can find. During the weekends, travel to other states to visit your long lost friends. You’ll have a ton of fun, catch up with people you love, learn a few new skills and not have a free minute to plan a wedding.
4) Become obsessed with working out. Work out every day. This will become a major time suck and keep your mind off any wedding related thoughts. You’ll be too busy focusing on your PR on the dead-lift. As an added bonus, you can also avoid buying a wedding dress in advance of the wedding day because you’ll be losing weight and won’t be the same size by the time the actual wedding rolls around.
5) Have a major, full blown freak-out filled with tears, gnashing of teeth and tearing of hair. Perform this freak-out in front of a large crowd of friends when one of them asks you how the wedding plans are going. No one will ask you again, and they won’t blame you or be angry when you accidentally, on purpose get married by Elvis (see #2). Everyone will understand and agree that you are most certainly not mentally stable enough to plan a wedding.
6) Attend many awesomely planned and orchestrated weddings prior to your own. Realize your wedding will not and could not ever be as amazing as your much more interesting friends’ weddings. Fall deep into depression and give up getting out of bed or planning a wedding altogether.
7) Prepare anyone potentially attending your wedding that it will be all kinds of a fucked up mess and not to expect anything resembling a wedding. No one will be shocked when they see you don’t have a cake, flowers or a photographer. No one will whisper under their breath in disgust when it is announced during the ceremony that you haven’t written your vows and you totally forgot to pick up wedding rings at Wal-Mart on the way to the locale.
8) Hang around other brides that are in love with planning weddings. Review their numerous lists, books, magazines, Pinterest items and sketches. Pay close attention to their psychosis and neurosis. Make one vow (not a wedding vow, you forgot to make those) to never be like that and take a nap.
9) Spend all your wedding savings on something that is more important to you than a wedding. Perhaps a house, infertility treatments, candy, puppies, porn, drugs…you get the picture. Pretty much anything you waste your money on will be more long-lasting than 4-8 hours of a wedding. No money, no wedding, no planning.
10) Be totally and completely in love with your fiancé. Live together, spend lots of time together. Have lots of sex and laugh all the time. Know deep in our heart that no matter what happens, he/she is the only person for you for the rest of your life. Be constantly excited and happy about being MARRIED and not about the wedding. Once all that happens, the wedding doesn’t matter at all. You won’t care if the wedding isn’t planned or the rings are lost in a cab, you’ll be married and no lack of planning can ruin that.
Drinkers with Writing Problems 