Henceforth, I would like my title known as: Kirk “the smile that frowns” Novak.
(An elderly woman and her middle aged son approach the nurse at a reception desk in the office of a general practitioner.)
NURSE
That is a nice scarf lady! Pretty slick!
ELDERLY WOMAN
Oh, it was his, but I am wearing it because he thought it was too gay.
MIDDLE AGED SON
Too long, Mom. Too long.
(BLACKOUT)
(Two men are standing at a trough in a bathroom in Wrigley Field urinating.)
CUBS FAN #1
Didn’t they make these things illegal?
CUBS FAN #2
Why would they make these illegal?
CUBS FAN #1
They’re not illegal?
CUBS FAN #2
No! That’s how they make Budweiser!
(BLACKOUT)
(Two women sitting next to each other in the back of a #66 CTA bus traveling Westbound boozing it up in the middle of the afternoon and arguing about liquor.)
WOMAN #1
You didn’t even give me a drink!
WOMAN #2
You didn’t ask!
WOMAN #1
I don’t need to ask! I PAID for it!
WOMAN #2
You didn’t pay for it! I OWE you!
(BLACKOUT)
(Woman cuts in line at the self-checkout of a grocery store to the consternation of other customers)
WOMAN
I don’t give a fuck, and I’m voting for Obama too!
ME CHECKING OUT BEFORE WOMAN
(whispering to wife)
Why did she scream that? I’m voting for Obama.
WOMAN
I don’t give a shit! Do you think I care?
MAN IN LINE BEHIND WOMAN
No, No I don’t. That’s why you did what you did.
(BLACKOUT)
I want “I am glad I was good for a laugh,” transcribed on my epitaph.
Drinkers with Writing Problems 