Kirk Novak: Internal Monologue #1

Family Dollar has three other registers and there are always employees standing around. Why is there only one lane open? I always have to stand in a line five families deep behind people who argue with the PIN pad when their purchase is declined because of insufficient funds.

Shut the fuck up, Kirk. You are a grown man standing in line to buy candy with change at Family Dollar while people shop for their grocery store necessities. I don’t think it’s any cheaper to shop here. A bottle of high fructose corn syrup cola flavored beverage costs the same anywhere else, and they don’t keep their coolers very cold here at Family Dollar!

I don’t think that customer who said he was going to the bank next door to withdraw the money to pay for his items was telling the truth. I should tell that employee to cancel the transaction and start checking out the rest of the customers standing in line. I think I will stay right where I am and debase myself by making impatient, white person, huffing noises instead, because I am afraid of this lady wearing a bluetooth headset in front of me. She is from the future and the future looks like it is a very rough place.

The selection in the magazine rack hollows out my insides. If I see another Kardashian in a bikini I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year. Allahu Akbar, the employee decided to stop waiting for that weird guy to return and the line is moving again. Okay, Kirk. It is almost your turn, count your change and get ready.

I wish this old Eastern European lady would stop ramming her cart into my buttocks. Maybe I should just fall backwards into it and make a scene. Do they really need full size shopping carts in Family Dollar? I wonder if it is even from this store. Do not turn around and look at her, do not turn around and look at her.

Oh, here I go. Wow, her daughter is pretty attractive. It is almost like women from that side of the world go through some metamorphosis at 60 years old. A transformation from weirdly hot party club girl with loopy rhinestone encrusted butt-pocket jeans, to warty bridge troll that sits out in front of an auto garage on a folding chair and stares at you. That lady probably spit in the face of Slobodan Milosevic, which is a more significant gesture than you have ever made in your stupid life. She looks like she would do it without flinching too. Probably while jabbing him hard in a tender area with her cane. Jesus, Kirk, you’re an asshole. These people have fathers and mothers; brothers and sisters; hopes and dreams; memories and feelings; they lived, loved, and lost; and you’ve reduced them to… It is my turn to checkout.

I can do this. Legal tender exchanged for goods and services. Keep the pennies, I don’t want them. I probably should have said that to her out loud instead of just silently snatching my gummi bears off the counter and exiting to the sound of the jingling bell hanging from the door. On that door is a measuring chart and I am about 5’10”. Why do they always put a single item I buy that comes in a bag into another bag? That’s wasteful.

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