Kirk Novak: Real Fake Police Blotter #2

Sidewalk Stroller Collision Results in Pleasantries, Friendship
Chicago, IL

Summer Smith, 33, was pushing a grossly oversized sport utility stroller with a single occupant southbound on the sidewalk of Southport Avenue, when she encountered a bottleneck caused by a cafe with an outdoor dining set up that reduced traffic to one lane. Mrs. Smith, lulled into a hypnotic state by the enchanting drone of Garrison Keillor on a Prairie Home Companion, which was cranked up to 11 into her Bang and Olufsen earbuds, failed to yield to oncoming traffic and steered her grossly oversized sport utility stroller with a single occupant into the only open lane. Trixie Davis, 34, was pushing a grossly oversized sport utility stroller with a single occupant northbound through the bottleneck, past the outdoor dining set up, when she collided head-on with Summer Smith. The impact caused Trixie to shout, “Look out, bitch!” Summer minimized damage by immediately apologizing and deflecting responsibility toward the management of the cafe with the outdoor dining set up. “I know, it’s fucking bullshit, there’s no room,” Trixie empathized. Summer and Trixie inspected their grossly oversized sport utility strollers for damage, and soothed their crying occupants after confirming they had suffered no injuries. Summer and Trixie both remarked about how adorable their respective occupants were, inquired about their ages, and related stories about the difficulty of rearing children. Traffic had begun to back up as a result of the collision and pedestrians had begun to detour around, immediately instilling a sense of self-awareness in Summer and Trixie. They agreed to continue their conversation inside a nearby Jamba Juice, where they would only order water and use the free wi-fi, while a cocker spaniel chained to a sapling outside licked the foot of a frat boy missing a shoe, who had passed out in a doorway from the prior evening. Traffic resumed to its normal flow on the sidewalk shortly after the collision was cleared.

In related news, pending legislation to license strollers the size of sport utility vehicles was aborted during committee when a resident husband burst in and boldly asserted, “I voted for you and my taxes pay your salary and I will fuck you out of office!” Alderman Scheister intends to reintroduce the proposal after garnering further public support.

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