Real Fake Police Blotter #1

Horrifying Black Tropical Centipede of Pain Found Murdered
Kauai County, Hawaii

Horrifying Black Tropical Centipede of Pain of Kauai County, Hawaii, age unknown, was brutally hacked to death with a dull butcher knife by a large white male in his late 30s with brown hair and eyes, after being discovered in an incapacitated state beneath a large glass table where several white people were playing a knockoff version of Jenga. If you have any information about this suspect, please contact no one, because if you were there you would have done the same thing. Horrifying Black Tropical Centipede of Pain terrorized the entire household the previous evening, simply by making menacing gestures toward one tenant and then vanishing without a trace. After initially being misidentified as another type of terrible, disgusting, abominable insect, a positive ID was made on the Horrifying Black Tropical Centipede of Pain from the night before. Large white male in his late 30s with brown hair and eyes, who will henceforth be referred to as a man-of-action, let out a battle cry that to those who surely heard it on the neighboring islands, may have sounded like the scream of wee girl. A man-of-action called for his trusty sword and shield, but TSA regulations prevented him from bringing such items to Hawaii on the airplane in his carry-on luggage. His faithful companion by the laws of marriage brought him an extremely dull butcher knife and a spatula, and then cautiously but boldly he took to the centipede in combat. A man-of-action was screaming like an eight year old banshee who is really afraid of roller coasters and does not want to go on the ride, Mom, as he sawed through the shining black alien armor of the Horrifying Black Tropical Centipede of Pain. The nobility of this brave, selfless act was completely marginalized since the Horrifying Black Tropical Centipede of Pain appeared to be almost dead anyway, and was trapped beneath the metal canister for the knockoff Jenga game by a bystander. However, continuing to wail like a terrified child, a man-of-action scooped the bi-sected corpse of the fearsome beast onto his spatula and called for his companion by the laws of marriage to turn on the garbage disposal wherein he, still screaming, ground the body of the deceased into tiny pieces over the protestations of witnesses who wished to take photographic evidence of the gruesome scene. Horrifying black centipede of death is survived by its partner who may or may not be holding memorial services at an undisclosed location.

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