Anita Mechler: 10 reasons why I hate married people…

…or anyone in a long-term committed relationship:

10. You’ve checked that box. Being married to someone is something that everyone is expected to do at some point in their lives; even if it’s not right for them or their life circumstances or even if it didn’t work out the first time. This is a box on the journey of life you are supposed to check, at least once. Once you hit your 30s, you realize that you are on borrowed time and people are starting to look at you, wondering what’s wrong with you, and why you are still single.

9. Double-incomes. I’ve come to the point in my life where I’m really sick of having roommates and maybe if I had a high-paying job this wouldn’t be as big of an issue, but I live in a 2-room (that’s right, 2 whole rooms…not bedrooms…rooms) studio with walls made out of stucco and a cat that sheds…a lot. You can lose a lot of “swag” in a breakup, even if you aren’t married. Back when I experienced a double income, I had one of the most beautiful apartments of my existence. It had stainless steel appliances, a freaking dishwasher (that I never used, but still…), a view of downtown, original woodwork, refinished hardwood floors, nice neighbors, a back yard. Man, do I miss that apartment.

8. Someone to come home to at the end of the day. I’m not talking about your cat who is cute and adorable and makes you rub her belly every time you enter the door, even if you’ve only be gone for 2 hours. I’m talking about the possibility of a surprise dinner that you didn’t have to make/pay for yourself or a bathroom/kitchen/pile of dishes that miraculously got cleaned when you weren’t home. I’m also talking about the excuse to make an elaborate dinner for someone just because you want to and that sweet anticipation of seeing them at the end of a long day.

7. Not getting invited to “couples things” like dinner parties, nights out on the town, etc. or getting invited to a party that happens to be ALL couples. Yeah, you people in couples, you know you do this. You want to round out your dinner party or evening with a nice 4-top, 6-top, etc. Unless you want to brace yourself for whatever story your single friend is going to want to tell you, you don’t invite them. You find it easier when you’re in a couple to go out with other couples. As a single person, spending your Friday/Saturday/Sunday evening at a party where there is no decent chance to have a hook-up is depressing, annoying, and cause for escaping to the nearest bar.

6. Sexual Assumptions. Sometimes people may assume that because you are single and you may be sexually adventurous that you are desperate to meet or sleep with anyone. Come on, we are picky sometimes. Why do you think we’re still single?

5. Fucking rom-coms. Fuck rom-coms. No matter how existential and miserable a marriage can be portrayed on-screen, it will never amount to the uniquely pathetic nature of that kinda cute, probably klutzy, “quirky” single gal looking for love in all the wrong places. Maybe it would be more helpful for rom-coms to be realistic about single life: yes there are some/many awkward moments, bad dates, “missed connections”, bouts of clumsiness but there are also completely blissful moments of adventure, spontaneity, and utter shamelessness about living in one’s own filth. In truth, everyone hates rom-coms so much because we wish they were real. We wish it were as easy as marrying the super hot, talented, rich, nice, best friend who has been under our noses this whole time. On the other hand, we hope that what rom-coms tell us about single people isn’t true: that we don’t deserve love because something about us is unredeemable.

4. Free body anomaly check-ups. Getting that weird mole, bump, rash, etc checked out before having to pay a doctor or a esthetician to take care of it. I have some great, very close girlfriends with whom I talk about everything, but I would still NEVER ask them to do this for me. Instead, I silently freak out about it for approximately 6-8 months, convinced it’s cancer or something just as bad, before paying a professional to tell me that it’s just an ingrown hair.

3. Having a true “life partner”. A lot of us are very lucky to have friends who we will have for a lifetime, but those friends deserve to have their own lives. Most of your friends will mostly likely have a long-term relationship, get married or worse of all, have kids. However, the idea behind a “life partner” is that they are obligated to go with you to EVERYTHING even if they don’t want to go. You will never have to experience getting an invitation that says your name “+ guest” or ones with only your name on them. You won’t ever have to sit at the “singles” table or squished in-between all of those dastardly couples. You will always have an automatic partner for the grocery store, road trips, funerals, and cat check-ups.

2. That whole dying alone thing. Some of the biggest worries that pop up when I’m alone at home are things like: “What if I die from choking on dinner or from busting my head open by slipping in the shower?” which leads to questions like: “How many days exactly will it take them to find my dead body?” and “Will my cat eat my face off if it takes too long?”

1. Having an entire room of people know that someone loves you and wants to spend the rest of their lives with you. In truth, I don’t really hate you, I’m jealous. It’s freaking beautiful when I get to witness your unions and see you proclaim your love for one another in front of your friends, family, officiant or other courtroom/Vegas chapel participants. I wish this for myself and anyone else who might want it. I want your love to be legal and safe-guarded and everlasting. I know no one’s life is perfect and marriage won’t solve my life’s issues, problems, concerns, neuroses, or make me a more complete person. I actually relish being single, most of the time, and I know that when it’s right, it will be right. Just have a little mercy on us, listen to our sorrows, dispense advice, and divulge to us all the dirt.

0.5. Two words: Online. Dating.

–Anita Mechler