David Jester: Social Distancing Survival Tips

1.) Don’t play coronavirus drinking games with hard liquor

2.) When playing coronavirus drinking games, don’t include the words: covid-19, coronavirus, social distancing, quarantine, or self isolation, as triggers for drinking. You will be in a coma five minutes into the game

3.) When drinking at home, ensure you drink with a friend. Even if its a cardboard cutout named Lucille, who chides you for your lack of motivation, yet laughs at all your jokes and understands you sarcasm a little too well

4.) Form a Covid-19 responsible, rowdy mob—maintaining six feet apart at all times, of course, practicing social distancing, while keeping it under a social gathering of 10 or less—and sacrifice a one-percenter to the overlords and the old gods of capitalism

5.) Drink

6.) Name the salamanders that live in your basement under the stairs, and create a fun, moist, theme park for them to bask and lounge in

7.) Read a book between bouts of drinking. Probably when you first awaken, that way you are at your pinnacle of sober for the day and may remember some of what you read

8.) Whatever you do, do not drink while watching the president’s address to the nation. Lest you have regrettable social media updates to find the next morning, having forgotten those rambling posts in a miasma of whisky haze

9.) Another cardboard cutout appears named Harold, and tells you he’s here to keep Lucille company. Become skeptical of Harold

10.) Where did Dr. Fauci go?

11.) Drink

12.) Do I have enough Doritos?

13.) Plot the most dangerous game for the oligarchy and rich that sent us into this tailspin of horror

14.) Where did Harold go?

15.) Stock up on essentials like whisky and Doritos

16.) Maybe switch to beer for the duration

17.) Create your dream team remake of the movie Clue; obviously with Kate McKinnon

18.) Limit social media use to sober periods

19.) Usurp power from local chieftains and begin arbitrage to gain a foothold in this new post-apocalyptic world to convert our nation to socialism

20.) Lucille is visibly upset at Harold’s departure

21.) Drink