David Jester: Russia Awards U.S. On Commitment To Violating Human Rights

During a press conference at the Kremlin, Friday, President Putin lauded the United States achieving equal level of commitment to violating human rights, as the Russian Federation. “It took the US many years to equal us in this undertaking, but they’ve finally done it. I congratulate President Trump on his efforts to create a Russian society on American soil. And that absurd First Amendment, a president needed to take a stand against newspapers filling the minds of Americans without the government’s stamp of approval. A society of linear thought, is a happy prosperous society.”

Visibly impressed with America’s swift dissolution of democracy, Putin flashed a rare moment for the audience. Those present swear a smile emerged for a millisecond. So swift though, the cameras captured only a blur where his face should be, unable to verify this phenomenon. Putin noted that his countrymen “can learn something from Premiere Trump and his oligarchical cabinet of bootlickers, in how to dissolve democracy and institute a fascist government.” When asked by a reporter if his English translation was slightly off, Putin glared at the reporter and said, “I meant what I said.”

Putin’s fervor for America’s nationalist direction did not stop at human rights violations. He applauded the majority of citizens willingness to loyally follow their leader’s word with blind devotion. Impressed at how Americans are dissuaded by scientific evidence, he showed a scarce moment of humility, unusual for the staunch leader. “I, too, not just my countrymen, can learn a thing or two from Trump. Two words. Space Force. How do you even convince people of this? No, really, I must know. It defies all logic, yet, people celebrate the idea. It’s incredible.” He then ranted for twenty minutes how Trump’s followers reveal no shame in voting for a megalomaniac who is destroying their nation, while calling themselves patriots.

At one point Putin began screaming in Russian, forgetting that the press conference was in English. His eyes widened and spittle ran down his chin. It seemed the sheer idea of blind fealty aroused him in animalistic ways.

Putin unveiled plans to award Premiere and Comrade for Life, Trump, with Hero of the Russian Federation, the highest ranking award any Russian can receive. He will be presented with the award at the summit in Helsinki, July 16th. “Premiere Trump has shown true dedication to the spread of Russian ideologies. What Russia could not achieve in over fifty years of Cold War, Trump was able to accomplish less than two years. He destabilized that government in months. Highly impressive.”

Hours later in the White House Press Room, Sarah Huckabee Sanders addressed reporters on questions over these statements. “President Trump is grateful to receive this highest honor from our Russian counterparts, and hopes to live up to the obligations bestowed upon him by this award. As we remove ourselves from the UN Human Rights Council, Russia and the United States will look into a new joint police force for the world, spreading a new brand of democracy across all the lands.”

When asked by a reporter what this police force meant for the world, and who gave the United States and Russia the moral high ground and authority to presume such a roll, imposing their will upon other nations, Huckabee Sanders glowered at the reporter. At this signal, a figure clad in black assault gear and ski mask grabbed the reporter, dragging her out into the street. At that point, the ring of a gunshot reverberated through the room, which fell still and silent.

Huckabee Sanders concluded the press conference flanked by men clad in black uniforms and ski masks. “Anymore questions.”


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