Murphy Row: User’s Guide to Being a Little Nuts

  • When your self-loathing gets out of control and you really hate yourself, remember that you are truly good and wonderful. You are deserving of love and happiness. You bring value and joy to the world. But also remember you are not an idiot, so there is probably a nugget of truth in what you hate about yourself. So, pull your shit together and quit acting like such a dickhead.
  • When depression seems to crush your entire world, and you find yourself at the bottom of the darkest hole yet, remember this too will pass. There is always hope and help. There is always love and light waiting for you on the other side of the deepest darkness. But also remember the world is going to give you a cold, steel-toed boot to the crotch more often than a warm pat on the back, so while you are stuck at the bottom of that hole, you might as well figure out your favorite way to pass the time.
  • When you look in the mirror and all you see is a sloppy, misshapened mess, and you wish you could change everything about yourself, remember you are beautiful and you don’t need to change a single thing. But also remember appearance is important, so have some damn pride and learn how to present yourself.
  • When you step on scale and hate every decision you’ve ever made, and just want to chop off your paunch with a machete, remember you are not defined by your weight and true beauty emminates from the soul through any body type. But also remember stress can be more detrimental to your health than eating your feelings, so super size those fries before your hair starts falling out.
    • And further more, chocolate imitates the feeling of love way better than 100 likes on a bikini picture.
      • But seriously don’t define your health by weight. Work on taking care for your whole self and learn to love the body that brings you.
  • When you are super horny and lonely and you think no one will ever touch you again, remember there are more important forms of intimacy than sexual contact. But also remember there is definitely someone out there who hates themselves enough that they would feel lucky to sit on your ugly face.
  • When you feel lonely and desperate for a meaningful connection and you whole heartedly believe you will die alone, remember you have already met the most meaningful people in your life, and fulfilment will come from investing in those relationships. But also remember, there are millions of people about to get out of the most toxic relationships of their lives, and your particular brand of crazy will be a welcome relief. At least from a while.
  • When you see other people being complete assholes or just acting in a way that makes your skin crawl, remember that this cruel world has broken each of us in unique ways. We are all dealing with the pain of life and making our way the best we can. But also remember, no one is free from the consequence of their actions. Save the venom of your fury for the people who have truly earned your wrath. Unleash the full power of your white-hot anger on them with all the creativity and poetic justice you replayed in your mind after every time you bit your tongue.
  • When self-doubt hits you like a tidal wave and cripples your motion forward remember that you are strong and you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. But also remember, if you are terrified of what people might think if you fail, realize nobody spends that much time thinking about your life.
  • When you find yourself fantasizing about something truly depraved or degrading that turns you on, remember that there is nothing unhealthy about engaging in fantasy. But also remember that no matter how bizarre, all things are fair between consenting adults. For every stump worshiper there is an amputee learning to believe he or she is still beautiful.
  • When you feel the compulsion to control every detail of the world around you in order to avoid pending calamity, remember you can only control your own actions and the outcome is largely beyond your influence. But also remember, just because you can’t prove flipping the light switch five times wards off cancer, that doesn’t mean it didn’t help.
  • When you can’t stop worrying that you’re going to have a heart attack, you’re sprinting towards lung cancer, you’re drinking your liver to death, and you haven’t had the guts to get that growing mole checked out, remember that life is for living and not avoiding death. But also remember that in the end there can only be one cause of death, so if type two diabetes kills you, you’re going to be pissed you struggled so hard to quit smoking.

    But first, always get the help you need, professional or otherwise, to be safe.

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