David Jester: No Stealthing, Keep It On

I admit, I do not keep up with current events as well as I should. I read the news, but it is sporadic, and life happens to get in the way of leisure. But in surfing the news recently, I came upon an unsettling  issue, one I feel I must discuss. If you are unaware about what the practice of stealthing is, let me enlighten you.

Stealthing is when, during the course of consensual sex, the male partner slips his condom off and continues to perform until finishing. Stealthing is an insidious act, a deceitful betrayal of trust and boundaries. It is unsafe, borderline rape, and at the very least sexual assault. What this act constitutes as a personal violation legally has been a recent hot debate. This treachery is downright loathsome, vile, and dangerous.

You know the expression, the world is your oyster, well here’s mine, the world is a full on, incendiary, fucking dumpster fire. I want to toss a flare behind my back into a trail of gasoline, as I walk off into the dark void of the universe and watch the fucker burn. But…I am an optimist, so I won’t burn the world down; there are a lot of good people living on this planet.

When I read those articles on stealthing I felt such ire that I wrote a scathing and profanity laden rant, which didn’t really discuss this issue, it was pure visceral anger. So after cooler heads prevailed–thank you Elizabeth–here is some enlightened discussion.

Sex is vulnerability and that is what makes it so risky, yet erotic and exciting. You put yourself out there in the hope for something so euphoric. It’s a feeling that is ineffable when you find someone that is the perfect key. That fear of being shamed or embarrassed dissolves away into the ether, transmogrifies into trust, and becomes a potent drug.

Some seek sex for pleasure, some for love, others for compulsion, but whatever the reason, we are exposed in those moments.  Sex is electric. Its when you feel most bare, and what a fucking feeling of ecstasy it is. That is phenomenal. Right?

But now women have to worry about their male partner breaking their trust, and in essence, through the act of removing the condom, make it non-consenting. This treachery transforms the pleasurable state into a dreadful act. A miasma of uncertainty and distrust then lingers over future intercourse with partners. It develops fear and anxiety through selfishness and deceit. It creates distrust.

This issue has so many facets. The potential for STDs. The fear of unwanted pregnancy. The repercussions to have to take the morning after pill, if one so chooses. This is a problematic topic that needs to be addressed.

I’ve seen conversation banter back and forth on the legal merits of this act amounting to rape. Think about this scenario. I cook you dinner and serve it to you. The implicit societal expectation is that the food served is NOT poisoned. That is a fair assessment of a dining experience; I think we can all agree to that. Two people consent to safe sex. The male agrees to wear a condom for protection. There is now an expectation that the condom will be worn until sex is completed; I think we can all agree to this as a fair assessment as well. But, these stealthers think that this is not accurate, and that women should deal with the male’s wants and needs. Well, maybe it isn’t rape in the traditional sense, but isn’t the consent now broken, once the condom is removed with purposeful intent? Where does that leave the victim?

Stealthing takes something warm and beautiful and turns it ugly and perverse. It also discounts the importance of the victim’s health and safety, wants and needs. There are forums online on how to stealth, encouraging this odious act. Other venues consist of misogynistic men’s rights forums that claim they have the right to spread their seed–I almost got through that sentence without vomiting. There are special places reserved in hell for stealthers. Except, since I don’t believe in hell, I think we should make their lives on earth as fucking miserable as possible.

So in closing I put this out there. I know Anonymous has their hands full these days, but maybe they can infiltrate one of these forums and expose the pathetic scum that are perpetrating and encouraging this behavior, so we can put some faces to the screen names. It won’t solve this, but it’s a start. Put some fear in their hearts like they do their victims. Wouldn’t that be grand.

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