[We continue our “love” theme for the week with a guide through the mire of love with astrology!]
Congratulations! You’ve achieved all of the professional and personal goals you’ve set for yourself. Promoted to management? Check. Paid off your car loan? Check. Learned how to macramé? Check. Rescued Princess Toadstool? Check. Developed loving relationships with family and friends? Yes, but . . .
No need to explain. The only thing that’s missing in your life is the romantic relationship with that one person who can complete you. You may have even given up on finding the Whitney to your Bobby, the Tommy to your Pamela, the Diana to your Charles. Despair no more! That’s all about to change when you place your heart in Miss Naomi’s gifted hands. She is unparalleled in facilitating HEAVENLY happy endings!
Miss Naomi is the premiere matchmaker of our time. For decades she’s been perfecting her powerful blend of astrology, theoretical chemistry and old testament wisdom that brings soulmates together.
Continue reading to learn more about how she has helped others just like you find their perfect match. For a competitive fee* Miss Naomi will complete a thorough analysis of your personality based on your astrological sign before selecting your future partner from her extensive Rolodex.
Don’t put off your only chance left at true happiness in this lifetime! Call 1-800-NOT-ALON to speak to Miss Naomi now!**
Aries: Miss Naomi has just the person to suit your impulsive and eternally optimistic temperament. They’ll be good enough until someone better comes along!
Taurus: You are devoted and patient, and value stability above all. Miss Naomi will find someone for you! It doesn’t really matter whom because you’ll stay with that person regardless of whether they’re a shitbird or not, as long as they’re not ugly.
Gemini: Ah, our mutable two sided friends! Miss Naomi knows you’ll thrive in a volatile, on-again off-again foursome with a fellow Gemini! We look forward to seeing you on Maury Povich.
Cancer: Your loyalty and empathy are to be admired. Miss Naomi will dig deep into her Rolodex for a complete disaster of a human being for you to try to fix!
Leo: Miss Naomi delights in creating power couples among Leos. You will enjoy showing off to your many friends how superior you are in the art of being coupled. You know you’ve always wanted to be able to say, “We’ve never had a fight” or “We’ve never gone more than two days without making love”, so what are you waiting for?
Virgo: Why so serious, Virgo? It’s easy to see why you’re still single. Miss Naomi will help you realize the dream of becoming the half of a couple that makes your significant other’s friends scratch their heads.
Libra: You say cooperative, I say co-dependent. We get it, Libra, you don’t like to be alone! Because anyone will do, Miss Naomi is offering you a 10% discount if you call TODAY!
Scorpio: Secretive and possessive Scorpio, you will be over the moon when you meet that person who will allow themselves to be manipulated by you. You’ll love making him or her think they’re batshit crazy for questioning your commitment. Someday there will be a show called Cheaters, and we look forward to seeing you on it.
Sagittarius: Freedom is your MO, and change is the name of the game, Sag. Miss Naomi has a special offer for you romantic wanderers — three contacts for the price of two! Not all at once (that costs extra), but we don’t doubt you could handle it!
Capricorn: Miss Naomi loves a challenge. You think nobody is good enough for you? They’re intellectually inferior and their habits are an endless source of irritation? Give Miss Naomi a chance to find someone who feels the same way about you.
Aquarius: You’re forward-thinkers, always striving for something better. Let Miss Naomi find you the person you desperately think you want until you get them! Then call back and initiate the thrill of the chase all over again! We love our repeat customers.
Pisces: Pisces, we know you’ve been through a lot. Miss Naomi is eager to match you with that barely tolerable someone to test your renowned patience and allow you to play martyr for the rest of your life.
As you can see, Miss Naomi has a celestial plan for even the most hopeless among us! Unless, of course, you work for “her”, and “she” set you up with “her” second cousin, who turned out to be an actual gigolo who gave you chlamydia.
* $39.99 initial consulting fee, not including matchmaking service fee and follow-up consultation fee, which are determined on a per case basis. International calling rates apply.
** Miss Naomi is a pseudonym.