Conor Cawley: Your Own Worst Enemy

[We at DWWP love to use writing prompts at our meetings. This story is based on the prompt “the monsters among us.”]

You suck.

Seriously,  you suck so bad. How have you ever thought you were ever good at anything ever? Every cool thing you’ve ever done was luck and that’s it.

Yes, even that time you were at Old Orchard and threw out a piece of trash from 20 feet away and that guy said “Nice shot!” It wasn’t a nice shot. You missed by a mile but it was windy. You got lucky and you took that compliment anyway.

And you’re stupid too. Like really, really stupid. Remember all those times you’ve said “good” in response to people saying “what’s up?” How dumb are you? You don’t even know how to spell “experience” without mouthing the words “ex-PURR-eence” to yourself? Kindergarteners in Sweden can do it without looking stupid, why can’t you?

You know that everything you’ve accomplished is a total lie, right? You were just in the right place at the right time a couple times in a row. That’s all. Congratulations, you’re the winner of the good timing award, it comes with a lifetime supply of “you’re terrible.” Do you know how many times you’ve published spelling errors? Your inability to properly spell “entrepreneurs” is going to haunt you for the rest of your life.

And you’re a terrible person! You’ve laughed at more people falling down stairs than anyone in the history of the world. No one does that. Are you a five year old that was raised by wolves? Who thinks that’s funny? Nobody, that’s who. Get a sense of humor that doesn’t rely on the pain of others, you horrible monster.

It’s like you don’t even try. You make the bed maybe twice a week, you brush your teeth less often than a toothless dog, and you are currently looking at a bag of McDonald’s food that you ate to get rid of a hangover from drinking too much last night (a Monday).

Do you even care anymore? Maybe you’re numb to your own terribleness. It’s like you know that you suck and you just keep on sucking anyway. You have problems.

You suck. You just really suck.

No, I don’t.

Damn, that’s a good point.



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