I would like to address a serious social issue I feel is plaguing our country, nay, the world. It’s almost Halloween and you know what that means. It’s that time of year when gender discrimination is most obvious in our society. Sure, sexy costumes are equitably spread out amongst all professions—from blue-collared jobs to careers requiring advanced degrees—but there is obvious discrimination in this industry when it comes to gender.
Sexy nurse, sexy doctor, sexy police officer, sexy Disney character. I mean, who knew that Minnie Mouse could be so hot, when transmuted from cartoon character to flesh and blood. But see, this is my point. Where is sexy Mickey? I’m sure beneath those red suspenders, he has rock hard abs that he wants to show off. This is where I feel subjugated. Where is my sexy costume? Why does the commercial sexy costume market only cater to women?
Sure, as a man, it is easy for me to make a slutty costume for Halloween. All I have to do is buy a red speedo, go to the barber shop, sweep up shavings of a curly haired man, glue these leavings on my chest, and I’m David Hasselhoff. But is that really sexy or just German? Who really found him attractive in Baywatch? Or for that matter, who really watched Baywatch? It’s not like it was Knight Rider. Right? Right? Now that was sexy. But what if I don’t want to take the ten minutes to make a sexy costume, and would rather spend $80 on an outfit that has less fabric than a g string. Shouldn’t I have the same opportunity as women?
Where is the slutty postman outfit, complete with shorts three sizes too tight, so I can…deliver your package. Where is the Fred costume from Scooby Doo, where his pants velcro down the seam, and at a moments notice, can rip them off and give Daphne and Thelma a lap dance. I mean, I’ve seen slutty Thelma costumes—and let’s be honest, we all knew there was a vixen beneath that librarian exterior of hers. Jinkies! But apparently no one cares about Shaggy or the man with the ascot.
I’ve given it some thought. To bridge this disparity, I’ve come up with some costume suggestions, for the male who wishes to be empowered in this one-sided gender battle.
1.) Gimp
Nothing says male empowerment and sexy like the iconic gimp from Pulp Fiction. Complete with leather straps and steel rings, you too can be the life of the party and show off your hairy body without feel of shame or embarrassment. Complete with full leather face mask, adorned with mouth zipper, enjoy the freedom to bask in complete anonymity of your sexual deviancy and desires. To really make it an evening and hopefully win group prize, find a bald man in bloody white t-shirt and ball gag; a man in a security officer costume named Zed; a pudgy bearded man who looks like Frankie from American Pickers; and a big black man who can fuck shit up only like Ving Rames can. Oh and if are going as Marsellus Wallace, blackface is unacceptable, it’s a crutch. People always see through that ruse. We are going for authenticity here, not second rate costumes. Gene Wilder proved this in Silver Streak; shoe polish is not sexy.
2.) Will Ferrell, Old School Streaker
One of the easiest costumes on this list, and one of my favorites, is Will Ferrell as Old School Streaker. To complete this costume, eat tons of fast food and Doritos months before Halloween; get that jelly roll going. The caveat is you must be a little younger than middle aged and act as if all your dreams are dashed. If they already have been, just act normal.
When you unveil the costume, get drunk, really drunk. The night of, run around asking if KFC is open. Nothing says sexy like a slobbering drunk man, who finds it appropriate to show the whole world his business; spare tire, hairy ass, and all.
3.) Sexy Gynecologist
Nothing says sexy like a masked doctor coming at you with a glinting silver speculum while dressed in a blue paper gown. Don’t forget, to complete this costume, you must grow a toucher stache (see costume five for details).
Be the life of the party with this great costume. Hell, offer free exams at the party. Who knows, maybe this is how you’ll meet your future wife. Nothing says love like a pelvic exam. At that point, you will have already skipped ahead to date five. Look at all the money you’ll have saved on dinners. Winner winner, chicken dinner.
4.) Nostalgic Forty-Year-Old Stuck in the 80s
80s hairband rocker, HELL YEAH! If it is was 1985 and you were twenty again, cruising around in your Iroc Z-28, you’d be Prom King all over again with your comb shoved in the back pocket of your tight acid wash jeans. Because Jordache was king and Wranglers pure sex appeal. But this isn’t the precursor to the 90s anymore. So get your cut-off jean shorts and Def Leppard t-shirt on, with head and wrist bands, and show these millennials what a sexy man really looks like. Be the genuine real deal.
Instead of living the 80s, be the guy that never left the 80s. Be the man at the bar who drops quarters into the jukebox all night playing Journey and White Snake songs. BE the Jukebox Hero! Wear that varsity letter jacket with pride, your name scrolled across the front in script embroidery, as if you just made the winning touchdown of the big game your senior year.
This one is always a perfect idea for the Couple’s Costume Prize. If you can find the right forty-year-old woman, who still teases her hair like Tawny Kitaen, and has acid wash Jordache jeans stashed away in a trunk, maybe you two can win the prize.
5.) Prison Guard
Every woman loves a man in uniform, and who doesn’t love a minimum security prison guard, in a women’s correctional institution. If Orange is the New Black is any indicator of what women find sexy, then women love men with pornstaches, Camaros, and who are extremely arrogant. For inspiration, IMDB George Mendez. Women drool over this guy, trust me—I like to believe I have my fingers on the throbbing pulse of women’s carnal desires.
For the costume, find your average security guard costume. They are easy to get your hands on by finding a friend who is bitter and jaded and has given up on their life’s aspirations; most likely they’ve worked this job at least once in their life. Then grow a mustache that John Holmes would be proud of, and a mullet. Not an excessive rocker mullet, but 80s van driving, high school sports star mullet. Business up front, party in the back. Oh, yeah. And don’t forget, be a cocky asshole. Chicks dig that. Sexy.
So remember, this Halloween when stores are selling that female costume with barely enough fabric for a handkerchief, we too can show the world men can be sexy. While women get to be the sexy anthropologist or the sexy doctor–empowering women by encouraging professionalism through sex appeal–we men can show women, we too can be sexy.
Let’s end this gender discrimination against men, this disgusting piggish bigotry, and force companies and stores to carry sexy costumes for us as well. Because nothing says respect like sexy doctor, sexy nurse, sexy firefighter, and sexy librarian. Because any of those, without sexy in front of it, would just be plain ridiculous. What else is Halloween about but skimpy clothes, cold weather, and drunken mistakes? This is the true meaning of Samhain. Look it up, it’s a sexy tradition.
Drinkers with Writing Problems 