Hello again, parents.
It’s me, your friendly neighborhood bus driver. It’s that time of year again. My favorite time of year, when the air grows crisp, dew coats the lawn in early morning, and the sky is cerulean. Geese begin to take flight, a V formation cutting through the air, as their honking becomes as incessant as that ringing in my ears. The world is wonderful and I’m sure you think so as well, as your rug-rats are sent back to school and a state of quietude descends upon your household.
As we do every year, let me tell you a little bit about myself, your local bus driver. This is more of an informal get-to-know-you type letter, and a minor reacquaintance for the parents of those children I have driven for.
First, I want to reassure all of you about the safety of your children. When they are in my bus, they are my charges and I take that seriously. I was a soldier, so I know how to handle stressful situations, whether from external or internal threats; they all will be neutralized.
I was in the jungles during Vietnam. I learned a lot about their culture, and they about ours. My job was to learn about people. There is so much more to being a soldier than killing. I had to study those people inside and out. I gained a great appreciation for asian culture. Did you know that most asians are tiny? Really small? I mean so much smaller than Americans. The women as well. So petite, like a 16-year-old girl trapped in an 8-year-old’s body. Such an interesting people. I enjoyed my job so much, that I go to Vietnam every six months on vacation. Interesting travel fact, in Vietnam, the age of consent is 14. Such a progressive culture. I like to think of myself as a repository of useless information, especially when it comes to travel.
My other hobbies span a broad spectrum, but one of my favorites is vintage photography. I prefer the feel of the photos rubbing between my thumb and forefinger, rather than this whole digital era mess. The nostalgic aesthetic a polaroid pinned to my wall produces is a unique experience, that is fading from existence. I think it is a lost art. Polaroids are my favorite format. I love pushing that button and hearing the inner workings of the camera. My walls are adorned with so many of those little tiles of film, like a mosaic for the modern era.
I try and incorporate my hobbies into my employment. Gives it all a sense of purpose. To that end, I hold your children’s safety paramount. Each child will pose for me, and I will take their picture. This collection will act as a book of faces, in case we ever need to refer back in a time of emergency. Girls should wear sundresses and patent leather shoes; I don’t know why, but this is what all safety experts recommend. Boys, should wear a button up white shirt, and a pair of shorts. Safety first.
I recently joined a performing arts group. We try and bridge many genres, and I perform magic and dress like a clown. Because of the equipment, I had to buy a panel van. Brings me back to my younger days, like the band getting back together for one final tour. The ice cream man is a fellow performer of mine, you know, Ron, in the Tasty Whip truck. Never would have guessed it. Once in awhile we team up for kids parties, so if you need entertainment for a party between the ages of 4-9, then give us a call. My business card is in the envelope. I’ll photograph the party; kids love the Polaroids as a souvenir. Two for one deal.
In closing, I’m sure you are excited about your children going back to school, with the same beaming enthusiasm as I am. Rest assured, your children are safe in my capable hands.
One last note, to the parents of the child last off the bus, we may be a little later than normal. The route has changed slightly, taking us through scenic secluded areas, and I find myself engrossed in the scenery. I love getting lost in the flat scenery of those fields ready for a season of plowing.
Signing off,
Mr. Craig
Drinkers with Writing Problems 