Elizabeth Gomez: Hush Little Baby, Don’t Say a Word – Updated for 2016

Hush little baby, don’t say a word,
Because babies don’t talk and that would be weird.
Papa’s gonna “rescue” you a mockingbird,
Because we believe in the ethical treatment of animals.

And if that mockingbird won’t sing,
It’s likely dead. Sorry.
Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring,
A synthetic one because we also believe in the ethical treatment of humans.

And if that diamond ring turns to brass,
It’s because it’s synthetic, kid. What do you want?
Papa’s gonna buy you a looking glass,
Also known as a mirror.

And if that looking glass gets broke,
Which is likely since you’re a baby.
Papa’s gonna buy you a billy goat…
What?

And if that billy goat won’t pull,
Are there no kill shelters for goats?
Papa’s gonna buy you a cart and bull,
Is Papa drunk? You’re a baby!

And if that cart and bull turn over,
Oh god.
Papa’s gonna ADOPT DON’T SHOP you a dog named Rover.

And if that dog named Rover won’t bark,
It would be ideal since we live in a city.
Papa’s gonna buy you a horse and cart,
Here we go again…

And if that horse and cart fall down,
We should stop buying a baby animals.
You’ll still be the most self centered entitled baby in town.
Maybe we should have just spent some time with the kid?