10 Resolutions or Delusions

Times of transition are a great time to reevaluate life. When I enter into big transitions, I like to make a list of resolutions in an attempt to better myself. I do this in times of transition because as my life evolves, these changes might actually stick. Or maybe, these resolutions will fail in just as epic of fashion as they do every New Year.

Ten Resolutions as I change jobs and apartments. Or Delusions.

1. Meditate daily for 30 minutes with a focus on preparing myself to be the man I want to be each day. Meditating for 30 minutes also goes by another name: Thinking for one minute and napping for 29.
2.  Listen to audiobooks during my commute in order to better myself. Or just keep switching between NPR coverage of Donald Trump, and The Mancow Show because you love being furious at anything. 
3. Cook More with a focus on learning new dishes. You could take years to work on this craft to finally make something delicious for yourself. Or you could deligate to a trained professional and get take out again. Where do you even find a General Tso?
4. Exercise with a focus on getting back to the body you enjoyed as a younger man. It is too hot to go outside, and exercising inside would be far too much noise for Mr. Ceiling McPoundy who live down stairs. Besides, your back is doing that thing again and the only thing that ever helps is 6 episodes of Law and Order SVU.
5. Write for an hour every day. But your computer is acting so slow! It takes 5 minutes every time you try to save. In fairness, it is incredible that this computer is still functioning after accompanying you through 3 periods of being single. The computer isn’t running slow, it is having PTSD flashbacks from all the shit it has seen.
6. Lose Weight, with a focus on taking better care of my body. You can actually do this one… until about 8pm, when your motivation to take care of yourself long term gets trumped by, McDoubles, Frostys, Zebra Cakes, Chewy Gobstoppers, Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Chewy Bars, Double Stuffed Oreos, Cookie Dough Ice Cream and Chocolate fudge Hard-shell, Nerds Ropes, Sweat Tarts Ropes, Chicago Mix popcorn, Sour Cream and Cheddar potato chips Flaming Hot Cheetos, and literally any pizza.
7. Go to bed earlier so you can have more energy to make more out of your life. 10, 9, 8, wait the countdown has already started. 7,6, you really have a lot to get done tomorrow. 5, 4, You need to turn this shit off. 3, 2, you can’t do this again. 1… Oh wait, looks like another episode started, you need to keep watching!
8. Do a puzzle every day to workout my brain. Do you really need another puzzle? Navigating your sexuality has always been a hard enough puzzle for you. 
9.  Drink the recommended amount of water. You have to use water to make a pot of coffee, so that must count. There is water in beer. Ice is made of water so anything on the rocks counts. Diet Coke is diet, so that is basically water too.
10.  Don’t beat myself up so much. This has got to be the most worthless piece of shit you have ever written. There is a difference between being funny and trying to be funny. You don’t even seem to be trying! And what is with this second person bullshit? People aren’t going to get how you talk to yourself in your head using “you.” Just write using “I” statements and take a stand for once in your life you spineless coward.