Sandra Benedetto: 10 Signs You’re Too Attached to Your Dog

  1. For her birthday, you produced dog erotica, “Two Squirrels, One Tree”.

2. Your last relationship ended because your significant other did not accept her tongue in their mouth.

3. You risked a breaking and entering arrest to get materials for the voodoo doll of the neighbor who chased her off his lawn.

4. You had the first rat she killed taxidermied and displayed on the mantle.

5. Your periods are synced*.

6. Your karaoke go-to is “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend”, but you replace every “diamonds” lyric with “doggies” and will only perform it while wearing a dog collar.

7. Your Instagram account is exclusively photos of her dressed up as various film ingenues.

8. You’ve fashioned a Dr. Frankenstein-like lab in the basement for cloning purposes.

9. You’ve picked out your side-by-side burial plots.

10. She’s the sole beneficiary in your will.

11. For some strange reason, she keeps running away. Of course, you had her microchipped so you always get her back.

12. You make a list entitled 10 Signs You’re Too Attached to Your Dog but just can’t stop at 10.

*As our friend Bob Barker was fond of saying, have your pets spayed or neutered!


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