It’s employee review season at my job, and I’ve decided to propose some changes to the tired old performance ratings with brand new ones. For reference and your amusement, I received a 3.91 rating.
(0) Does Not Meet Expectations (You Are Incapable of Functioning in Society or HR Needs a Paper Trail of Documentation Before We Fire Your Ass)
(1) Rarely Meets Expectations (One Time You Didn’t Suck but We Are Still Firing Your Ass)
(2) Often Meets Expectations but is Inconsistent (You’re Friends with or Related to Someone in the Company So We Can’t Fire You, but You Have No Qualifications for Your Position)
(3) Meets Expectations (You Are Not Promotable but We Appreciate You Doing that Job No One Else Wants to Do)
(4) Often Exceeds Expectations (You Work Really Hard, but We Can’t Go Boosting Your Ego or You’ll Want a Promotion Which We Don’t Want to Give You)
(5) Consistently Exceeds Expectations (We Erected a Statue of Your Likeness in the Lobby Because You Own the Building and the Company and You Saved a Small Child from a Burning Building)