Kirk Novak: Colonel Leslie Wayne, Corporate Gossip Columnist

Colonel Leslie WayneFriends, in the United States of America, the Free-est Country in the World™, corporations are people, which means that corporations have people problems. Now, I know a person’s problems is their problems and not my problems. I know I should not indulge schadenfreude and take pleasure in the pain of my neighbors. Truly, if you even profess to know me, you know that I simply find gossip loathsome and believe it to be so far beneath my dignity as to be subhuman.

Yet, when the bountiful fruit is this sugary you just have to pass it around to your friends and let everyone take a sweet, juicy bite, if you know what I mean. I mean, let me tell you what I heard happened at the Grove shopping center just this past week. Westfield Shopping Malls are the big old Christian families of corporations, with each paying tenant a good-hearted blessing from The Lord. Though, things aren’t exactly Norman Rockwell in Harper Valley behind those pastel smiles and soft focus family photos.

The other day Abercrombie & Fitch took Forever 21 out back behind the trash compactor near the food court thinking they’d drive that meat bus on into tuna town but instead found themselves in one dilly of a pickle. Those poor fools. Everybody knows that Forever 21 says they’re Forever 21, but in reality they’re much, much younger. You just can’t go doing those sorts of things in a wholesome family mall without reaping what you sow, and I don’t mean an orgasm or a good time. Needless to say, guards from Securitas Security Services pulled up in their official Chevrolet sedans with lights flashing, guns drawn, angry shouting, and all the other excitement you can imagine.

They held everyone involved against their will until local police who possessed the legal authority to make an arrest showed up at the scene of the crime. Look, Securitas Security Services wouldn’t tell you this if you asked them, but they really do want to be real cops one day. And, I do hope they get their wish because our public servants won’t really be serving the community until they recruit corporate police officers. It’s downright discriminatory. Anyway, I can only imagine that Abercrombie & Fitch are going to spend a little time with the Corrections Corporation of America. Which, speaking of people problems, I heard Corrections Corporation of America might be under investigation for civil rights violations that have made them very unpopular on the inside. Do you know what will happen to a prison corporation if it gets locked up inside of a federal prison?

Well, my dear family, friends, and secret lovers. I’m afraid that if I talk to you any longer I will never be able to catch my breath. I can barely stand to sit down to keep myself from collapsing. We have so many more wonderful things to speak about concerning our corporate neighbors. I promise you that we’ll talk again soon, I wouldn’t miss our time together for the world. Remember, you’re always welcome.


Colonel Leslie Wayne, drinker, gentleman, Southerner

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