Conor Cawley: Being A Superhero vs. Being The Best

Superheroes are viewed as gods in their respective cities. They are so impressive because they are the absolute best at a particularly skill or trait: the fastest (Flash), the strongest (Hulk), the richest (Batman), the tight-clothes-iest (Superman… and many others). These titles are often given to people in our universe as well but the claims are significantly watered down when you compare the two.

So, here is a list of superheroes compared to their real-life counterparts:

SUPER SPEED

“The Flash”

Dubbed the fastest man on the planet in the made-up town of Central City, Barry Allen (The Flash) is said to have traveled faster than the speed of light on multiple occasions. I don’t think I have to tell you but that is quite fast. For the sake rounding, let’s call it 300 million meters per second. Fast enough to save hundreds of people from a burning building with time to make s’mores.

vs.

“Usain Bolt”

Dubbed the fasted man on the planet by statistics, reality and the Olympics, Usain Bolt holds multiple records for speed in the 100m and 200m races. As the first man to do so, Bolt is a clear candidate for real-life superhero. But with his top speed recorded at approximately 12 meters per second (27 mph), he is still a few meters per second shy of “super speed.” Twenty five thousand of them, in fact. And it’s going to take a lot more than a fast 40 to save that many people from a fire while making a tasty graham cracker, marshmallow and chocolate treat.

SUPER STRENGTH

“The Hulk”

As one of the strongest superheroes while in his green-ragey mood, Bruce Banner (The Hulk) makes your high school bully look like Shirley Temple. While there are nearly thousands of examples of his super human strength, I wanted to draw this comparison from one similar to a competition-style feat attempted in the “World’s Strongest Man” competition here on real-Earth: the dead lift. On one particular occasion, The Hulk held up a 150 billion ton mountain. That’s 300 quadrillion pounds. Yes, quadrillion is a real number.

vs.

“Gregor Clegane” aka “The Mountain”

Having made headlines recently for breaking countless records for strength, this TV show actor turned large-thing-lifter is an obvious comparison to the envy-colored anger machine. While his dead lift record was just broken by Eddie Hall by just under thirty pounds, his 994 pound lift is an impressive notch on his feats of strength belt, including a thousand-year-old record broken by carrying a 1,250 pound log on his back. But unless his nickname came from lifting Mount Everest when no one was looking, the 299,999,999,999,006 pound difference in their abilities is a little more than noticeable.

SUPER WEALTH

“Batman”

The Caped Crusader, unlike the other heroes on this list, does not have a super power. Bruce Wayne (Batman) has a superhuman amount of money, along with a couple of cool Keysi fighting moves. Between gadgets, vehicles, BatCaves, Wayne Manors and presumed medical and maintenance bills, it costs approximately $700 million to be the Dark Knight. Wait, really? Only $700 million? That’s not that bad!

vs.

“Bill Gates”

As the name on everyone’s lips when the debate of richest man alive comes up, Bill Gates is the closest thing you can get to a real-life Batman. While his personal wealth ($67 billion) is more than enough to facilitate Batman’s lifestyle, I somehow doubt Bill Gates’ sneakiness and fighting abilities compared to Bruce Wayne. Plus, he’s giving half his wealth away to charities. It’s like, “Come on, Bill! The Joker isn’t going to be taken down by billion dollar donations that solve world hunger.”

SUPER TIGHT CLOTHES

“Superman”

For decades, we have been subjected to staring down the barrel of Superman’s bathing suit area. The whole “superheroes wear underwear on the outside of their clothes” thing comes from Superman’s red trunks being tight enough to see whether or not he really is faster than a speeding bullet. With all the power of the universe, you’d think comfort would be more important than impressing the ladies.

vs.

“Anyone in Yoga Pants”

Male or female, these pants are tight. They have been banned in schools, ridiculed on the news and worn across the country. Whether you condemn or enjoy these revolutionary fashion options, their superhuman tightness stops at a point. Like any piece of clothing, they are movable on a person’s body. And most importantly, they are praised for their comfort by almost anyone that wears them. Superman may be a lot of things, but comfortable in those tiny red undies is not one of them.

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